I could use some advice on dealing with a spouse's past infidelity?

Bear with me, as this is the first time I've ever disclosed this to anyone. About 15 years ago, when my wife and I were living together, she had an affair with my best friend. I caught her in several lies, and when confronted with evidence, she finally confessed. I was madly in love with her, and decided to stay with her and try to work it out. At the time, she claimed it never progressed beyond kissing and talking. I wanted to believe her.





We got married 2 years later. I asked about what went on before we got married, and she stuck with the story. About a year after the wedding, she finally confessed that they had been intimate sexually.





I am still deeply in love with her, and I truly believe she wouldn't cheat again. But almost every day, I still have thoughts about her being with him.





I haven't and wouldn't cheat on her. I don't want revenge, I just want to try and forget the past. But it haunts me every day. How can I put this behind me? Some days it drives me to tears.I could use some advice on dealing with a spouse's past infidelity?
Ok here is the deal...I do not condone cheating at all...The fact that you were able to forgive her and still marry her was amazing off you...Being in your twenties does not make a good enough excuse to cheat...especially since it was with your best friend and you two were already living together... Also you caught her in several lies, she did not come clean with you out of guilt or love for you...She was busted.. So as far as I'm concerned she doesn't look that good in my eyes as far as never cheating again..Maybe you just make sure that she doesn't have the option to cheat...When a person is busted and doesn't come clean with someone out of moral obligation, it means that they do not feel like they have done anything wrong or anything that is that big of a deal for them..The part of this story that bothers me the most is that given many opportunities to tell the truth she did not admit to the sexual part of the relationship..Even after she was busted and she knew you forgave her..Even when asked before you got married again she lied..If at any time you should come clean it would be before you take an oath of love with someone..Finally a year after that she confessed...That's a long time...Especially when given many occasions to come clean...It could have been she knew it would hurt you to much and that it would be something that would bother you until the day you died...Maybe she was trying to spare you from that..Or maybe she was just trying to cover her a**..I believe you that when you forgave her , you fully intended to be able to..But maybe you were not able to because in the back of your head you have also heard the saying ';once a cheater always a cheater';.or maybe it was the fact that you gave her so many options to come clean but she never did and that's what has been bothering you...But the fact is that you chose to forgive and forget... I know the forgetting is the hard part.. Yes, you decided to let this go..I understand how your wife feels like this is still being thrown in her face..But if I was her I would be more concerned that this is still bothering you and hurting you this much..And instead of being unapproachable on the subject she should consider both of you going to therapy...It is obvious that you can not get over this on your own..You did say you would let it go and now it is time to release the pain..Especially since your wife has been loyal and treated you good for the last 15 years...But she needs to be there to help you get over this..I suggest you both go to therapy..She will again have to face the fact that she hurt you but it will help you get over it..Maybe that's all you need is for her to take responsibilty for hurting you before you can release this pain...This hurt being held onto for this long is poison and needs to be gotten rid of before it ruins your marriage..Good luck..I could use some advice on dealing with a spouse's past infidelity?
I believe counseling is your only hope. YOU made a decison, 15 years ago, and am still worrying about it?!?! Really, I couldn't do what you did knowing I couldn't live with it, but respect those who can. However, your mind and your marfriage will continue to suffer if you don't resolve this. Go alone or with your wife. You've reached out for help here and will get lots of opinions but this is your marriage, your life--don't rely on Yahoo Answers to fix it. Talk to a professional and make your decision. Good Luck!
Get some counselling to clear your head and help you decide where you should go from here.





And just as a side note: Why do you believe she won't cheat again? She got away with it the first time without any consequences, didn't she?
Frank, Try to keep in mind that the cheating occurred 15 years ago, before you were even married, and while you were probably pretty young. As hurtful as it was, she has since proved herself. You seem insecure about it still. If she has given you no reason to worry then why torture yourself? Have you talked to her about it or sought counseling for yourself? Take care and don't waste these good married years wallowing about what happened 15 years ago.
To all of the people saying, you weren't even married! Shut up. If you're in love, it hurts just as bad. Marriage doesn't change that.


Then again I don't think that any sexual infidelity has to happen for someone to be hurt completely, lose trust, or closeness.


I don't actually have an answer for you.


I just know what you mean with the replay of thoughts in your head.


It's miserable.
wait until the time is right and then, you and your new wife discuss those old feelings.
maybe you should start meditation...and do fun things like take her on a vacation somewhere nice................. read some books on relationships ...there will be books at your library on the subject................... and maybe get yourself some counseling
Have you talked with her about this recently? If the answer is no the first and foremost thing you need to do is talk to her.





Most likely she will hug you and kiss you and tell you how much she is in love with you and that that was a long time ago.





Really, it was a long time ago. If things are good between you two now why are you worrying?





This might be your problem you need to get over. And you should start by telling your wife your feelings. It sounds as if this is consuming you daily and you really need to get it off your chest.





If you don't feel better after talking to your wife about it I would suggest some therapy..for you. (this is all assuming things in your marriage are fine and she is treating you nice..the only thing being you are still dwelling on things that occured 15 years ago..BEFORE you were married to her!)