Any advice on dealing with my spouse? (semi long)?

I've been married to my wife for over 5 years now, we started living together about a year before that. There's no cheating, hitting or abuse or anything like that going on but over the past 5 years I've begun to realize that she won't do anything...





She can't put her dishes in the sink, can't figure out the purpose of a laundry hamper and doesn't know what a trash can is for. On top of that she seems to lack any form of common sense AND she acts like I should follow her around picking up after her.





I'm currently a stay at home dad because she talked me into a job she knew I would end up quitting by playing the ';It'll be better for the family'; card... twice. So naturally as a stay at home parent I'm responsible for household crap. Unfortunately though she seems to act like this makes her void of ANY household work on her part even though when I was working she still didn't do anything around the house and I'd do it when I got home from work.





She doesn't even spend time with the kids... and I don't mean the ';Hey, you're home it's your turn take the kids because I need a break';, variety. The kids are usually in bed when she gets home and one is in school when she gets up in the morning. I suggest that she take our daughter to school so she at least gets to see her daughter and she simply refuses because as the stay at home parent ';it's MY responsibility'; and any time she spends with our son is yelling at him to sit still while she watches Netflix.





Anyways I've been kicking around the idea of a trial separation for about a year now because no matter how much we argue and fight and she says she will start straightening up in less than 2 weeks it's the same old crap all over again.





My brother says that a separation would be harmful to the kids but I'm a divorce child myself and it hasn't effected me in the slightest. Hell, I've seen my father 2 times since he and my mother divorced and I want to actually be a part of my kids lives. My brother also thinks that if my wife wants to act like a child I should treat her like one %26amp; hide her xbox, limit her internet use and all that other stuff.





Personally I feel like this would be (while justified) condescending and childish on my part as well.





Anyone got any good mature, adult, viable ideas?Any advice on dealing with my spouse? (semi long)?
Either you are going to do anything(whatever you want) to keep this relationship together because that is what it means to you. Or you are going to give up........ make the decision now so that you don't have years of drawn out wishy washy feelings, it will benefit both your kids and most importantly YOU. I am newly engaged to my fiance of 9 years and I will tell you........if he wasn't my best friend in the whole world I would have ended it years and years ago, numerous times. Never once have I imagined to leave him, even when there was some lying happening, no cheating or abuse, but his pride was hurt and he didn't want to tell me he got fired 2 months prior to me finding out.





You can think of it multiple ways.....sure it isn't that bad, there is no cheating and no abuse, but no passion either? Or you can go and be happy and radiate that to your children, and hopefully your wife will move on and grow from it as well, which will also benefit the kids too. You have to know if you still ';have it'; for her..... the passionate feelings and intimacy. If you don't that is sad and I feel sorry for you, but make the choice to move on to a better life.





No one signs up for a marriage hoping for it to end in divorce, but should you have to be miserable and subject your children to that? I personally don't think so....I feel that is more destructive to all party's in the end. Let's face it.....we make a decision everyday about surrounding us with the people we do, you can only deal with the negative people for so long before becoming one of them or leaving them. Good luck! I hope you find love....or rekindle your old love! Maybe your should copy and paste this whole thing to a word document and give it to your wife to read? Could help....couldn't hurt!Any advice on dealing with my spouse? (semi long)?
Sorry honey I feel your pain but she sounds that she has turned into a man. Maybe she'll put out more
THis is simple. Start seeing a therapist this week, a psychologist who will keep your individual records on the QT. Keep seeing the therapist for 6 months, but not a religious church person who will insist you can't end this charade.





. Go on record : wife is destroying the marriage, said you fear cheating, kids are being ignored. she is a slob and wants you to be her slave...





M,ake believe you are devastated. Fake crying.. These records are part of the divorce. ASayhow many times she has gone back to this destructive behavior when you wanted to end the marriage.. By December 17 or 18, have her served with official papers for for a legal separation





Any witnesses?





Stop sharing the bedroman IT MUST BE AN ACTING JOB%26gt; Then seek full custody and get a divorce.





The divorce lawyer must request of the courts thatched provide child support, maintenance for you, full medical and dental payments and a health plan for you and the kids, and extras for kids activities and clubs, etc.... DO NOT LET ON to wife considering what your plans are. Do not have holidays with your ex to be. No gifts with her,. Stop all sex if any exists, Sleep elsewhere in the house.





She is unfit for wife or mothers, but never tell her anything is wrong with her. She is so very out of control, and it would take years of analysis to correct herr mental problems. GET OUT NOW%26lt; AND GET FULL CUSTODY and the stay at home dad.
I totally understand your frustration. I dealt with this with my EX husband and we both worked full time. You are going to HAVE to resolve this, or trust me you will get to resent her more %26amp; more every day that passes. Have you sat her down %26amp; told her how you feel? Honestly, I don't know if it would do any good. You're gonna have to just be blunt %26amp; tell her that either she pitches in more around the house AND becomes an active parent, or you just don't know if you can continue to be married to her. Marriage %26amp; parenting should be a partnership, never ever one sided....





I wish you the best of luck...
Well it seems to me she has left you with no choice but you try the separation, you've told her on more then one occasion how you feel and she isn't doing anything to fix it. Let her see how hard it would be to do it all by herself and maybe you guys can come back together and work it out.





However there is always a chance you could not get back together.
My husband is having similar issues - he's been out on injury for 2 years and playing daddy day care to our (one child!) 9 year old daughter...





I still do about 1/2 the housework. The fact is - he's home now to see what doesn't get done. I never see my husband rush to grab the vacuum and clean up either...I think that sometimes he gets in a rut because he has nothing else to focus on. The normal things that would slide become huge mountainous issues...





In your case - take responsibility for where you are. She didn't force you to take any job - you allowed yourself to be swayed and accept the positions. Not her. You can't hold that against her.





As for spending time with the kids - don't suggest - tell her what you need her to do. She probably assumes you have it under control - because I gotta say - if the shoe was on the other foot - you'd be feeling the same way...I also know how much more pressure there is on me than before and that also affects my helping out - I just don't think to do all of the things that I used to. My mind is constantly racing!





I think if you feel better working outside of the house and your family harmony is more in balance when that happens. Then get a job - put the kids in daycare and get back to the important things in life...
This is easy. No separation required but patience is.





Simply stop doing everything for her.





Dont put her clothes in the hamper, Dont pick up her trash. Leave her dish on the table.





If it aint in the hamper you wont wash it, if it aint in the sink dont clean it. If it aint in the trash it wont get thrown out. It will be tough to ignore but she'll get the hint. (some people take longer then others)





Go visit a friend or your brother (if hes close by) at least once a week so she will need to spend time with her kids.





You will need to take your children to school, Someone has to be the adult in that situation.





Good Luck to you.
It seems to me like there is a lot of tension in the relationship, mainly on your half. Actually, the roles seem to have switched. You need to sit down with your wife and explain to her how you feel. Tell her about how you think she needs to be involved in the childrens lives more, tell her how how you feel about having to clean up after her constantly. Her idea of motherhood seems to be warped. She needs to understand that a family needs both parents to give them the proper care. In this day in age, divorce seems to be okay and common, but it does have impacts on different people. Your children are not you. They may see things completely different than you did as a child. Work on switching the roles around, but you being the father should also keep in mind that just because you may become the provider doesn't mean to push your children away. Good luck.
I think you should have an adult conversation with her about this and tell her what you think would help. No fighting... Tell her that you're thinking about the best interest of the family and you feel that she is not doing her part as parent or as a wife because she doesn't help you out.





Let me just point out that just because this is what men do or how husbands generally are it doesn't make it ok and you shouldn't have to just put up and shut up. Women in those situations should be giving the best advice because you would know exactly what it is you want from your spouse.
Do what is right for you, it is your life and if you are not happy then neither will your children be, better a divorced happy father who is involved in his childrens lives than an unhappy one.........I was blissfully happily married for 23 years a stay at home mum ( although worked from home however it never took time from my children or home) I did everything and was happy to do so at that time, then I divorced him because he had an affair.........10 years on........I live with a partner of 6 years we both own and work in our business together I do 100% in the house, all the cooking, cleaning picking up decorating everything and 80% of the work in the business, my partner is very childish, I have tried 'parenting' them it doesn't work it is just like living and working with a stroppy 15 year old, never wrong, knows everything, makes mistakes like everyone but doesn't take responsibility for any of them...choosing to blame me...........then 4 months ago I stopped as I became ill and totally burnt out with all the hard work and lack of help, ended up in hospital...the business and home has gone to pot, things everywhere, customers going from 200 a week to 5 and my partner is complaining, blaming all on me and will take no responsibility, agreed to many things but never any action on anything, it is so one sided .Told my partner today I am going away to family for Christmas.


My partner doesn't know I've already given my tenant notice to quit my other home and I have seen a solicitor about selling the home and business and splitting everything and when I return after Christmas it will be with lorry to take away all my furniture, possessions and the house and business will be sold...partner can buy it I don't worry any more, my life on this earth is not about being controlled by an emotional bully who is lazy and thinks life owes them a living..........I only have one life and want to be happy and respected as I feel I deserve to be before I totally lose all my confidence...it is going to be a shock to them, but I have tried so many times and it doesn't change.
I totally agree with you, it would be very immature of you to treat her as a child, hide her X-box, limit internet time, etc. She has to WANT to be part of the family and playing games won't make that happen.





If you went to work and brought in more money, could you afford a part-time housekeeper/nanny to take some of this away? The nanny could pick the kids up from school in the afternoons and clean up while watching them for a few hours before you get home. A responsible college student might be the ticket here.





It may not make sense for you if you truly enjoy being home and spending more time with your kids. But if the housework and slovenliness drive you nuts, you may have less time with the kids because of work, but what time you did have would be higher quality time because you wouldn't be the housekeeper.





If you decide to separate, you'll need a job anyway to support yourself and help support the kids.





If she does shift work, can she adjust the hours or days of the shifts to coincide better with family time? She shouldn't be putting all of this on you. Staying home is NOT eating bon bons and watching tv--it really IS a job (if tasks around the house are getting done)!





Could you phrase the school commute issue as, ';I am concerned for our daughter's sake that she isn't seeing you enough. Children need their parents and the work schedule keeps you from seeing her. You taking her to school is NOT my idea of avoiding responsibility, it IS the only way I can think of right now that would allow you to spend at least a little time with her. Do you have any ideas for consistently spending time with her that you would do rather than running her to school in the mornings?'; If she comes up with an idea, she will be more likely to ';own'; it, and thus commit to it.





Those are the ideas off the top of my head. It sounds like you're a great dad and husband. Hang in there. :-)
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but this is the way husbands have been treating stay at home wives since time began. Even after a working husband retires in his senior years he still treats his stay at home wife as if she is a maid service and cook.





If you can find a good way to change domestic history and the future you will be a rich man.
You are not happy so you should sit down and discuss this with your wife. If you both cannot come up with a resolution then you should go to marriage therapy.