right on.What has happened to us?
I agree. Hey I just concentrate on the things that I can control. Me. I can't control other people including my disfunctional relationship with my wife. Hopefully it will be TDDUP, but only is both parties want it.
I feel you. A person should make their marriage work. If spouse is not giving them what they need in the bedroom, then they need to tell them exactly what or how they want something. I think now a days, people are looking for someone who will go along with them or looks good on their arm. Then you have those who marry because of money. Last but not least, people are not taking the time to get to know their spouses. Back in the day, marriages were arranged, and you had your lifetime to get to know the person. Now a days, most people want something instantly. Don't marry someone for other reasons besides how you feel about the person. Sooner or later, the other reasons are gone and so is the ';love.'; People need to just actually try to make their marraige work, and keep their friends/family out of what is happening. It is human nature for some to not want others to be happy, so they ruin other people's relationships if they can.
I agree !
Marriages do not just fall into the ditch of dissatisfaction; rather they begin a relatively slow decline that picks up speed as things get worse. There are four warning signs of a deteriorating relationship:
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling
Criticism involves attacking another’s personality or character. This is different from complaining, which is more of an expression of dissatisfaction and an indirect attack. Criticism on the other hand is a direct attack or blow to the self-esteem and goes something like this: “You’re the most irresponsible person I’ve ever met”. Neither behavior is very constructive or conducive to long-term relationships.
Contempt is the intention to insult or psychologically abuse one’s partner. When spouses feel contempt for each other, they hurl insults and call each other names.
Contempt also includes the use of sarcastic humor and mockery, and generally making hurtful fun of a partner. (Gottman 1994) identified contemptuous body language, primarily involving facial expressions. Sighing heavily, sneering, rolling one’s eyes, and pulling at our curling the upper lip all communicate contempt or disgust.
Defensiveness is the natural response to criticism and contempt. The problem with defensiveness is each person begins to see themselves as right and their partner as the problem. Defensive behaviors include denying responsibility, making excuses, cross-complaining, automatically disagreeing, and accusing the accuser of the same behavior. There are two ways to be defensive, one is to react passively and ignore the criticism and contempt as the mere rantings and ravings of a lunatic, not worthy of an active response. The other way is to become the aggressor and attack the criticizing partner with angry words and accusations.
Defensiveness is a sure sign of deterioration in a relationship.
Stonewalling usually occurs when relationships characterized by criticism; contempt and defensiveness have escalated to a hopeless stage. It is giving up on trying to communicate or work things out. One partner usually checks out emotionally and more or less is just buying time until the relationship is officially over.
Medical doctors make a commitment to the idea of “First, do no harm.” That means that they are committed to doing nothing to the patient that will make things worse. In order to take a relationship from the brink of destruction back to harmony you must first agree as a couple to do no harm to each other or the relationship. Don’t make things worse than they already are. And it takes a commitment from both parties in order to begin the mending process.
Humility is essential to the repair process. Humility is not a popular word in our culture because we associate it with shame, lack of assertiveness, and co-dependency. We have come to equate humility with the loss of individual pride and self-esteem. Humility in reality is just the process of dealing with your own issues and correct your own attitudes instead of trying to change or fix your partner.
If you are concentrating on your partner’s problems, you are unavailable to concentrate on your own. We tend to focus on what we see, and when we highlight the shortcomings in a relationship we become demeaning and judgmental and we miss the beauty and value that attracted us to our partner in the first place.
· First do no harm
· Be willing to communicate
· Respect yourself
· Respect your partner
· Practice humility
· Practice love
· Practice trust
If only I could get back the time I spent reading your question. Marriage is way overblown. It's no big deal to break up with someone, but divorce is the end of the world. Once the break-up or divorce happens, the ex's have no claims on each other (and never actually did). The jealousy/ownership thing is what's wrong--and why relationships go to hell in the first place. Live free and love free.
It is your choice what happens to you.
As long as there is no domestic violence divorce should be last resort. I have problems but I would not think of divorcing at all.
People have become just too selfish. They have forgotten how to give and share.
Some people are very fickle and dim-witted. They don't even
consider the MEANING of the words in their vows! ';Til death
do us part'; does NOT mean the death of feelings. Death of
one or both of the partners involved!! You may not be the
perfect mate, but you can ALWAYS be used as a bad example. Children take in a LOT more than parents realize!
Children are always learning, especially when the parents are
busy arguing with each other!! Marriage is a life-long
commitment, not just a kind of game! Marriage takes you into
your grave, literally!! So, YES, I certainly agree!!
Finally, someone who isn't afraid to say what's on their mind, well done!
I am in it till death and I have forsaken all others. My marriage isn't perfect, but we work on it every day. I just wanted to let you know people like that still exist.
I know how you feel!
AMEN!!!!! :)
you are so right ..
I believed in my vows. I was with my ex for 37-1/2 years . He had cheated many times. I lied, he stole, he cheated. He was the one that filed for divorce, when I confronted him with cheating with my sister. You can only do so much. I tried talking to him. I did not yell and scream. He told me he just wanted someone to party and drink with and he was tired of all the talks. He didn't care what happened to me. He just wanted fun. Even when he had not worked for 17 years and I supported him. He had two motorcycles and came and went as he pleased. Yet, it was never enough. I covered all this crap from the children so they would not be hurt. All that did was when it was over they did not believe me. I had to get a detective and get his report for the children to finally believe me. It is still hard because I covered for all those years. I never wanted my life to end this way but it takes two. To work at a marriage.
you are right.
I agree with the first part, but I do NOT agree that the ex has any say in anything their ex is doing, where they live, etc. As long as the children are being cared for, that is all that matters. My husbands ex actually wanted to come to my house, that I bought, which was brand new, to make sure it was okay for her children to sleep in when they came for visitation. She showed up a few times and made a scene and now she is no longer allowed on my property. She would call for the stupidest reasons and harass him and email me. But if I emailed her back, she would tell me to stop emailing her. WTF? I told her if she didn't want an answer, don't email me.
I know for a fact that her kids eat better at my house cause I actually cook. They have told us they eat canned food, sandwiches, or McDonalds and their mother's house is always a mess, and she smokes in the house and they stink when they come over. My house is always clean, and I always cook dinner.
Okay, now I got THAT off my chest! LOL
But yes, some people just give up on their marriages because of small stupid things, but others are much better off. No one should have to deal with abuse, constant cheating, and meanness in their marriage.
People don't take marriage seriously. It is more like a game now, though it shouldn't because it's not. It seems normal to change husbands just like we change underwears. It's wrong. A person must make sure they love the one they are marrying and if they love each other try to fix their problems. Communication can be effective. The problem is that now everything is ';normal.';And to change that attitude...
how about dissolving marriage altogether? you make good point! divorce rate in united states is over 50% and human beings in this nation make moclery out of it!! like the 55 hour marriage britanny spears had! soon, this sick nation will be hearing al ot more about 1 day marriages! the word FIDELITY MEANS NOTHING ANYMORE IN THIS NATION!
I agree too. It's heartbreaking to think that one out of every two couples ends up getting divorced. I tried everything I could to make my marriage work, but my ex still decided to run off with another woman. In his case, I feel he never grew up seeing what a marriage was (he was raised by his grandma). I think this might account for a small percentage, but more than that, I think this generation has been taught that divorce is an answer to fights instead of working toward a solution.
I did end up remarrying and my ex ended up marrying the woman he ran off with. I'm sure it's hard for her to deal with me and I know it's hard my husband to deal with my ex, but we do our best (now that we've worked past the hard feelings) to get along for the sake of our daughter. It's about what's best for her at this point.
people get married for the wrong reasons and they do it too fast. i am in no way religious yet i still believe that marriage is sacred. that you are stuck with them forever once you take that vow, better or worse. i only think there are a couple of reasons to divorce: infidelity, abuse, and irreconcilabl differences, although i am a big fan of separations to try to work things out. i think people today are lazy, selfish, and ignorant of other's feelings because they don't bother to communicate. and people like that shouldn't get married. shouldn't even get into a relationship if they know they are going to end up hurting the other person.
I was in it ';Till Death do we part'; but my ex decided he didn't want any part of that! It takes to to tango...
It's unfortunate, but it happens everyday. Those who say their marriage is ';perfect'; are either lying or work EXTREMELY hard for it.
Hope you feel better now that you got that off your chest!
Sorry, but his jealous ex has NO BUSINESS in our lives.........his kids live with HER, and he doens't critique how she lives HER life...........the first wives just have to get over the fact they are replaced with someone younger, and more suited for his needs........they are just jealous and bitter.....
Come easy, Go easy! remember that. Western Societies are always in a hurry to get married. babies marrying babies; why wouldn't there be many divorces?
Nothing is deep anymore and is the sign of the end times. So, be prepare for the coming of Jesus.
What is happenening in this 'modern' world is all wrong. It's so easy to separate and divorce. And who cares about kids? Kids used to be the bridge to hold a marriage together. But no more... Everyone is selfish and want to go their own way..
Can we change the trend? I believe one day we will when human values are inculcated into the minds of this modern society
I completely agree! Marriage just isn't important to people anymore. People sign pre-nups now and go into it with the mindset that if it doesn't work out they can just get a divorce. It shouldn't be like that! Marriage should be forever and it's a serious commitment, it's not easy it's hard work but once the flowers and butterflies wears off people find it easier to cheat or divorce rather than put effort into making their marriage work. It's really sad.
I also agree with the ex part. A lot of people lose focus on what's most important, which is their kids! They are so intent on hurting one another that they don't realize how that can negatively impact their kids. Furthermore having a third party meddle in what's going on just makes things worse, I agree with you that people should expect the exes to have contact because kids are involved.
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