Anyone have any advice for dealing with a affair?

My spouse and I have been together for over 8 yrs, and I recently discovered he was cheating. I am not sure what to do to cope emotionally.


Last year we relocated for his job and it was kinda difficult. We decided to buy a house (our first) in the area we previously lived in so that his job would move him back. Because of this I am looking for a new job and he is paying the bills 4 a house he only lives in part time, because he is still waiting for a transfer and is commuting.


We spent the entire first month in our new house fighting (which is when this happened) Iam not telling people this to justify his actions, because it is not ok. Iam trying to think through the process...what happened


I found evidence of the affair (ladies u know when something is not right, which I did) a week after he was physical with her. He was away that week at work and I knew it when he came home. He told me everything. He was talking to her for almost 2 months before ';it'; happened.


The major problem I am having is this: he never dated anyone before we were together and this behaviour is completley unlike him b/c he is a very soft hearted person. Unbelievable as that may sound, if I told people he had done this they would be shocked. The month he was talking to her he was a monster, I didn't even know who this person was, which is why I knew something was not right. He hid in the basement and was cold and angry. For 2 weeks after I found out he seemed like he was fighting himself, like he wanted to be here but was ashamed or something. I went with him to work 1 week to sort things out and he was distant I ccame back home alone. 2 days later he was back here, as the person I knew him as.


Since, he has been trying everything to ';fix'; this. He gave me a number to call a therapist who he has already gone with me to talk to. He voluntarily gave me the cell phone bill from last month to show me he is not calling her. He leaves his phone out. Like he used to before this. Every time he has to go back to work, he has asked me to go with him or he has requested a vacation day to stay home.


I am having a hard time forgetting about his betrayal and think I might not be able to do this. How do you push it out of your mind, how long does it take (I found out just under 2 months ago) I can't sleep without dreaming about it, and think about what he did with her and what he does with me...I always thought I would just walk out the door if this ever happened.


The other reason this is still so stuck in my mind is that after he told her it was done, she got angry. She has sent him nasty emails at work and has started sending me 1 line messages through a website I use. I do not need this. He said if it happened anymore he would sent it to her boss b/c she was doing it from work. I cannot understand why she is, b/c she is married with kids. I look at the emails she sent him and see that she has 2 other men besides my spouse whom she is currrently cheating on her husband with, both of them are also married. She wrote things about how funny it would be if she showed up here or left marks on him so he couldn't go home...I believe her sole purpose in this was not because she cared about these men, or ``it just happened`` but to ';take'; them from someone else.


I am hoping to get an opinion from someone who has been the one who had the affair and you were in the same boat as my spouse. Are you ever sorry that you did it....I want anyone is about to have an affair think about how you are going to destroy your spouse emotionally because you didn't have the courage to leave them or try to fix your situationAnyone have any advice for dealing with a affair?
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I tell clients that it generally takes between 2-5 years for a marriage to recover after infidelity. And that is IF, and only if, both partners are 100% open, honest, willing, and sacrificing in order to work on the marriage. It takes a lot of hard work. The two of you need to be in regular couples counseling with an infidelity couples counselor in order to deal with this. No exceptions. This is a serious thing he did, and you need to handle it as such. It's not a fix it yourself scenario, although many people treat it like it is. Then later they realize that the problem hasn't been fixed at all, and the same behavior repeats again. Anyway it's not something you can put out of your mind or what you will forget. It's something that will cause you to trigger regularly for a long time. If you hear a name, see a place, hear something that reminds you of it, etc. your mind will automatically go there. You won't trust him for a long time. He will need to commit to being 100% transparent, meaning he will tell you what he's doing, where he's at, who he's with, etc. At this point, there is no trust. He broke it, and it takes time to be rebuilt. All of this is just a step in rebuilding it. As for the other woman, you need to tell her husband. Why? For one, because he deserves to know. For another, because he can do his part on his end to prevent her from contacting the two of you. Right now she's rampant because she hasn't been caught. Expose the affair to her husband, and he'll keep her in check. Then your husband needs to send a formal no contact letter. In it, he should very clearly state that the relationship is over, there is to be no contact from her, if there is he will contact the police for harassment, and that he loves you and is staying with you. If she ignores it, then go to the police for harassment. He also might want to put in there that he will go to her boss if she continues. This woman obviously needs a clear sign from him that it's over. If he refuses to do this, it's a sign that he shouldn't be trusted again. Regardless, don't focus on her. There are always tramps out there willing to be a mistress. If it weren't her, it could have easily been someone else. Focus on your husband and rebuilding the trust between him. But a word of caution: it is a long, hard, painful road to recover after infidelity. It's not impossible, but you have to ask yourself if you're really committed to 2-5 years of this pain. Be honest with yourself. Is it worth it? Is he worth it? Can you ever look at him the same way again? Can you ever trust him again? Etc. It's a slow process, but ask yourself if you're prepared for it before you even begin. In my opinion, my perspective is this. The least you can do is try. It's your marriage, and it's worth a second shot. The worst that will happen is he'll cheat again, or you won't be able to forgive, or it won't work for some reason. And, yes, this does happen. But at least you'll come out knowing that you did everything you could do make it work between the two of you. Either you divorce now, and give your marriage no chance to work out, or give it a try, knowing that there is still the possibility of divorce. The outcome is the same either way, and I respect women who are strong enough to risk getting hurt again for the sake of putting their 100% all into the marriage. Many disagree, but oh well. Just decide what's right for you, and handle it accordingly. See an infidelity couples counselor immediately. In the meantime, visit www.survivinginfidelity.com It's a great resource, and you'll find others who are in similar situations on that website.Anyone have any advice for dealing with a affair?
HoneyBee got great material for you up there.





In your hubby's defense, I hope he does regret what he did, We men get lured so easily, and that other woman sounds like a professional devil woman ';more like a hooker'; but she lured the poor soft heart guy so easily, doesn't make him an angel though, he's a soft heart bastard who did a huge mistake and put a knife into both your hearts and marriage.


But I seek good intentions in people, and I truly hope that he regrets and seeks to rebuild what he has broken.





So far you are being a great wife in coping with all this and having the will to battle such huge problem in your marriage.


Seek professional help, Seek talking frankly to each other, and in such times Please remember God, God is always with us always supporting us and walking us through the bad times so let go of some of your extreme concern and pain to God, God will carry you through.
Its time to move on and proceed with divorce. You are always going to remember this affair in the back of your mind- and its best that you just move on. You are going to have an argument about something, and your going to be like ';If you wouldnt have had an affair, we wouldnt be arguing';, or ';since you had an affair, I should have one, so youll see how you hurt me.';





The advice that has been given before mine, is VERY good. Read it, reread it, read it again, and then again, to get the full effect of what is being said. Get counseling from a lic. counselor only. I think counseling with your preacher is also good- however, I do not feel that they are trained to give relationship counseling and too often people feel that this counseling is the same. Its not.
I was the the other man. I was lied too so my situation is somewhat different, but it still applies. Your man is trying to fix this because he knows he made a mistake and realizes that the trust is broken which is why he is putting everything out there for you to see. Men are stupid creatures, and they break down because they want to feel appreciated for what they do for a woman. I dont know what you guys were fighting about, but his bad judgement was based on feeling good for the moment, but he realizes it wasnt worth it. The best advice I can give you is this...If you love him, go to therapy with him and open the lines of communication and have a referee there to explain what each other is trying to say. I wish I could say you can trust him, but I dont know that I could. Intimacy with someone else is a big deal to me. My affair ended after her divorce and she is off to the races trying to relive her youth. good luck.