How do I get my fiance's ex wife to stop being spiteful and start co-parenting?

My fiance got divorced from his ex wife when he discovered that she was cheating on him while he was on his second tour in Iraq. That was 3 years ago. She has been bitter and spiteful towards him ever since. When he got out of the Army 2 years ago he filed for joint custody of the children (age 10 and 5) and got it. She has not respected him as their parent sice then. She speaks badly of him to the kids. She tells them that I am a bad person. When they tell me that I ask them what they think and they do not share their mothers opinion. She has even said horrible things about my 6 year old daughter to the kids which they repeat to her. Despite all of that we do not speak badly of their mother to them. She married the man she was cheating with last year. And 2 weeks after they were married she filed for full custody of the kids. We went to court and the judge left the custody as joint in all regards for both children but stated that because the 10 year old boy was struggling in school, parenting time was to be changed to being with his mother during the week and at his Dads 3 weekends of the month until summer when it will go back to week to week. He got 5 A's, 2 Bs, and 4 C's last marking period. And he also has ADHD. I don't think that is horrible for a child with ADHD. His grades started falling off after his mother had him put on stronger ADHD medication because he was ';to hyper';and she could not handle it. There where no complaints from his teacher. She put him on this medication even though his father disagreed. After this acusation in court we went and looked online at his grades from week to week and he actually did better when at our house. The 10 year old also wets the bed, which I believe is possibly from all problems going on. We have tried to talk to his mother about different methods to help the bedwetting (chiropractor and/or counseling) she doesn't want to try any of those things but she has no problem blaming my fiance for this problem. Luckily, out of this last custody hearing, the judge as ordered counseling for him. The 10 year old was very upset when we had to tell him about him having to be at his mothers during the week and at our house only on the weekend. We didn't know how to explain it to him so we showed him just the part of the judges opinion that stated the new parenting times. We explained to him that none of this was his fault. The mother does not co parent at all with my fiance. She does not tell him of doctors appointments or school fuctions. She refuses to send over the kids scouts uniforms on my fiance's week because (as she tells the kids) their dad cannot be trusted with such things. Yet she has not sewn on any of the patches that they have earned. (They are stapled on) We are members at the YMCA and wanted to sign the kids up for swim lessons. We talked to her about working together on getting them to the lessons from week to week. She refused and accused us of trying to make her look bad. We signed them up anyway for the 7 week course and they will just have to miss a few. Every kid should know how to swim, especially when living in Michigan. She also has disagreed with: Ballet, dance, football, basketball, karate, and boxing. We don't know what to do. We love these kids and want whats best for them. I can tell that all of this is really effecting them and I wondered if anybody has any ideas on how to deal with a difficult ex spouse.How do I get my fiance's ex wife to stop being spiteful and start co-parenting?
You have a lot of complaints about her. If you were genuinely trying to coparent effectively you wouldn't, in my opinion. Treat her like a friend. Be positive. Don't have a list of complaints about her in your head; it affects how you behave. If you have disdain for her (and you do) do you think she doesn't sense that?How do I get my fiance's ex wife to stop being spiteful and start co-parenting?
http://www.parentalalienation.org/
I have the same ex. And, we've been married over 12 years. There's really nothing you can do. She is using the kids as bait and to get to her ex. She's not being a parent at all, and never will. But, what has happened in our situation as as the kids grew up, they saw reality. They always do. So, do not ever start to speak ill of her, do what you can to help them as much as possible, and just deal with her as best you can. You won't get anywhere by asking her for anything, so don't ask. That will bother her as much as anything by not being able to get to you with refusals. Just know, the kids will see what's going on. Apparently they already do or the 10 year old wouldn't be upset about the visitation.
Im not even gonna read allll this, but all i can say is that you cant change that woman unless she wants to, and she may never. so make your life easier and expect whats expected and work around it just to keep your own life ballanced. she can be doing things knowing it would anger you and because she knows she can get away with it.


i learned from my years as being stepmom is treating the kids as my own. she doesnt want to go to football practice? see ya! not involved in the kids life? who will they appreciate for being there for them? You! these are kids that didnt ask to be here, and they are going to leave for college some day. make the best out of a bad situation. i've been stepmom for 6 years and the ex is still acting stupid but calmed down. we had our arguments and hangups and name calling and such, but did it change anything? no. avoiding her as much as possible did.


dont give her the power to control your feelings, to make you angry. she's not worth it.
Sorry, I could not read the whole story, too long. But, I think I have a good idea of what is going on.





He can take her to court for failure to cooperate with the orders. Document everything and bring everything up in court. The judge will rake her over the coals. If she is in contempt, he will fine her.





We had to do this with my husbands ex over a statement her drug headed bf said to the kids. They were 3 %26amp; 6 at the time and they were scared. Everything we had documented was brought up and she almost lost joint custody. She even failed the hair follicle drug test. So, there is hope to make her cooperate. It will cost you some money for an attorney, but it will be worth it. It was for us.
I am going through the exact same thing. Unfortunately theres not much you can do about it.





My husbands ex wife, wont communicate in any way shape or form. She abides by the court orders, but that's as far as it goes. Visitation can never be swapped or changed for ANY reason. Its just ridiculous.





We are like you guys, we have never spoken ill of her, and yet she calls me and my daughters names, and has told the kids lies about their father. I don't understand why woman are like this. I let my kids see their Dad whenever they or he wants to, we have court visitation ordered, but we don't even follow it because theres no need to.





I wish you luck, that's all I can say.
While i see your concern, it's not your job to ';get'; the ex wife to co-parent and stop being spiteful. She is this way because it's her choice, and there is nothing you can do to control other people. So just accept her for the way she is and carry on with your life.





Do the best you can for the kids.





It's not your worry i f she doesn't sew on scouting patches, doesn't relate info about doctor's appointments etc.





I had an ex husband who was much like this ex wife, and to be quite honest i didn't give a damn what he thought or did. I just smiled, shared custody and lived my life. As long as he wasn't abusing our child, what he did wasn't my concern.





Letting others control our emotions is not healthy. If the kids know they can count on their father and you to be a stable factor in their lives, that is what matters.





Leave all the other stuff alone.
sorry for you. sometime it takes until their kids are 18 for people to stop. Just keep doing you ';good'; think and that he knows that you're his family not his ex. Don't let the 3rd outsider poke in your relationship.
If you marry this man, this woman will BE your life.





She will never change. She will continue to wreak havoc and make you miserable every chance she gets.





Imagine going to bed with your husband, and having her there, in between the two of you. That's about how it'll be. Everything will revolve around her - forever.





Resign yourself to this simple fact now, so that you know where it stands. The only thing is ... since you know NOW how it will be in the future, you can't complain about it because you knew how it was BEFORE you married him.





This will be your life.





Keep saying it, and eventually it will sink in.





This will be your life.





This will BE your life.





This ... will be ... your life ...





Re-read your paragraph above, and say it again:





This will be your life.





Best of luck!!

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