He is under physical and emotional stress right now and I'm sure this is the reason he is so distant. I try to be a good wife. It's just real hard when I wait and wait for a call but when he does call me he only wants to talk for 2 mins. and he is in a depression or something. Our conversations suck. It's hard to keep strong but I still continue on. I would never cheat on him or do anything like that but sometimes I just get so upset that I dont care anymore. How do I deal with all this pain? I try so hard. Please only answer if you are a military spouse or you understand. I support this war, I support our troops, I LOVE America and I back our president. I don't need any garbage. I just want honest advice. Thanks..
And Happy Memorial Day and God bless all of our Heroes.Does your husband seem really distant?
I understand how you feel, my x and I are both in the Marine Corp. So I have been your husband (the one away) and I have been you (the one trying to hold it together at home), because we both went to Iraq at different times.
From his prospective: he isn't trying to be distant, its just the extreme stress of work. I don't know if he is combat arms or not, but if he is, stress is at it's highest level. Regardless staying focused on the task at hand is his primary concern, and I know wives hate this part but, you are not even a1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th concern of his right now. You are way down, on the list, so when he doe's get opportunity's to talk to you, he just isn't focused on you, he still has work going through his head. But the better he doe's his job, the better chance of coming home and seeing you again and makeing you his number 1 once more. He is also feeling the emotional distance and strain of ';whats going on with us?'; He remembers just like you do how great things were when he came home and how it felt to have to leave so soon. If he is just getting back into Iraq 1-3 month, we never tell you this but that is the hardest time, it is like a depression that everyone feels, and the adjustment is harder on some then others. Just give him some time he may come around very soon.
For you and what I did to get through the 2nd and 3rd deployments of her being gone and me being home, focuse on them and not you, it's all about what ever you can do for them, when they get back they can make it up to you. When I wasn't tapeing up another care package, writeing another letter, I was fully into work and hitting the gym hard. For me physical activity (gym, sports, swim, run, bike ect.) is a great release of negitave and a positave input, may be try it for you.
After my experiance, I will always say that being a military spouse IS the hardest job in the military. Its much easyer being the one deployed.
Hang in there, when the two of you are 80 years old and on your 50-60 whatever year wedding anniverisary, it will all be worth it. Also, thank you for doing what you do, with out a strong woman a man is only half as great.
Good Luck! Hope this helps just a littleDoes your husband seem really distant?
Dear, listen. Your husband is doing things that are not easy. He is fighting for something so huge that at times I am sure he has not the words to tell you. Such is the mark of the warrior. Those who fought in most wars, such as WW2 often never told their loved ones what they saw or had to do to guard our nation or the world. We have seen many who went to war and never spoke of it again. Some did not want to brag, others saw their friends die saving their own lives. But never underestimate their bravery or their valor.
Your job in war is to support him in any way you can, and also to try to understand. His silence is not for lack of love of you or his country, it is likely the silence of the coming storm. It is a heavy burden to bear for both of you. He is a hero, and you are as well for doing the things that make him worry a bit less about his other life.
Even as your heart is breaking know that people like myself and millions of others thank him and other great men and women who take on a task many of us could not do. It is not lost on us at all, believe me.
Take this to heart and know that he is your man, and you are his woman, and it is defense of you and his very country that he feels on his shoulders. Silence seems like a great burden for you right now, and I do not minimize it. However, you can take the weight for it can be held via Love.
When he returns he will not always tell you about his heart or mind, and respect that. But he will come back a stronger man than before, and he will return to the woman he loved and fought for.
God Bless you,
Eric
First of all, God bless you too. I do not presume to imagine how difficult it is for you, however, being in a similar situation once, I can say this: Though it is hard on you, try to remember that he did not choose to go away from you. I am sure at night he lays in his bunk and wishes he was at home in bed next to you. He is living in a hell over there, whether it be seeing the horrific devastation, the unspeakable poverty, or constantly worried if he will make it back to you...All those things are more than enough to wear on a person day in and day out.
It's hard yeah, but for someone fighting to protect their country, fighting to protect you and your family, and fighting the personal hell that is war...give him as much love, support and understanding as humanly possible. One day he will return it to you tenfold...
Peace.
Its hard to say whats going on with the men. I had to go thru the emotional abandonment before the mission even got started, he emotionally abandoned me. My hubby was too busy on the computer and was too busy getting ready for his deployment to spend the last week or so with me before he left, it was almost liek he was already over there, someone told me that this was a way of getting me ready to be away from him incase he was killed over there. I kind of think, he got too emotionally involved in a task and wanted to see it to completion and he couldn't see anything else. He is like that sometimes with tasks. The first three deployments, I couldn't get my husband to even call me. he would email me, but didn't want to IM me or email me. So I knwo how you feel. This last one, he actually wanted to talk to me. I was really surprised. Ihope you don't have to deal with the getting home stuff. Whta I had to deal with his tossing and turning, his flinching in bed, his rocking and rolling in bed, sometimes I have to sleep on the couch. Also, he would get up at strange hours because he was still on Iraqi time. Its really hard to know what they are dealing with over there sometimes. They may be seeing some horrible things and have to cut their feelings off and that means they are not too emotional when it comes to communication and trying to hold a conversation on the phone, or maybe they actaully miss you and don't want to talk to you because they miss U, who knows. Just hang in there, I have a church that supports military spouces. Myabe you can try to tell him in a none nagging way how you feel, thats the problem with my husband and I when I was overseas, I wasted a lot of time not telling him how I really felt when I was in the military and he was stuck with the kids. The trick is to find a nonnagging, and loving way of expression yourself.
I can completely understand how you are feeling. My husband was TDY last year for 9 months. He was on convoy duty with the Army, and there would be days between when he would call. Our converstations were often forced. He had been gone so long that I didn't know what to talk about with him. Often, he would only have a few minutes to talk or the phone would disconnect. He was at a base that didn't have DSN access, so he had to call internationally, which ate up phone cards. Needlessly to say, we didn't talk very much on the phone. We communicated mostly through e-mail or instant messaging, when he could use a computer. Don't ever think about cheating on your husband. It's not worth it emotionally, or financially if it would lead to divorce. The main reason he is most likely depressed when you do get to talk to each other is because he is not home with you, he's upset about having to do another mission, or upper management is becoming a problem. My husband explained that to me once he got back. My advice is to just hang in there, find other wives at the base you are at that are in the same boat, and don't wait for the phone to ring. It will only make you crazy. You can also go to your family support center to find other spouses that are deployed. Reach out to those around you, and accept help from anyone who will give it. It will save your sanity. Good luck, and God bless.
Its normal for him to be like that. My husband was there for a year 2005-2006 and hes back over again now. He will eventually get back into old habits and such, it just takes time. He has seen alot of things that most people will never see in there life time. Just do your best to support his when he needs it and let him know you are there if he needs to talk. I wish you the best.
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