Wronged spouses: Does ';playing'; the victim EVER get tiresome?

My husband cheated on me.... BOO HOO! I dont work! I cook and clean, Im a stay at home mom (by choice)! BOO HOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Does anybody realize that the same things you did to GET that man HAVE to be the SAME things you do to KEEP that man?





...and you wonder why things have ';changed';...





AND so what? He cheated! So what? What next?





ALL marriages have problems and thats usually how men choose to deal with them. Why? Because it makes them feel better. I am not condoning this but THATS JUST WHAT THEY DO! Deal with it. YOU like to TALK about absolutely NOTHING and they deal with THAT!





Most wives dont realize that his activity with HIS mistress gives him the STRENGTH to CONTINUE living with you at all!!!





Will women ever realize that you ARE not victims? That you have MOST of the power in the relationship?





And quite frankly, Im sick of all the ';get a divorce'; advice...





MOST men are actually good men-- at least he was when you got married... what happened?





I just want to know: Why do you feel that ';divorce'; and ';counseling'; are the only options available?





Whats wrong with examining the problem, see it for WHAT it is and taking you man back? What, HE'S not worth it? Your CHILDREN arent worth it? Sacrificing YOUR pride is not worth it? What IS worth it? Why would you RATHER help destroy your family?Wronged spouses: Does ';playing'; the victim EVER get tiresome?
What an awesome statement of the way things are. Nobody can condone an affair, but once its happened you got to forgive, then work on your marriage. You have to find out what led to that. True, some guys as just jerks, and if that is so, get divorced. But so many cases are how you stated it. Like I said, the guy should try to communicate things before having an affair, but after a while (some women are stubborn and won't see things from a different angle) he either needs to end it (and face paying huge emotional and financial penalties), or he has an affair and tries to keep the rest of his life together. We men are strong, but we get married for a reason: we want the emotional support and refuge of a women to keep us sane in the messed up world we live in. Men need women, women need men. Children need BOTH parents. It's not a contest, or a battle of the sexes. It's not a game of power. I see so much hatred and vitriol on this forum.





Facts: Many times, the mistress is not as good-looking as the wife. Fact, most men have affairs for emotional reasons, and NOT due to lack of sex (but sex does rank high too because sex is connected to emotional connectedness). And MEN, you have to take care of your women too, so make sure your clean and smell good, give her a hand once in a while, and make sure you talk with her.Wronged spouses: Does ';playing'; the victim EVER get tiresome?
You need help!

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g8grl77 your comments are so VENOMOUS! I told you I broke it off with him already... what else do you want?

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Seems you already know all the answers.....





Perhaps not!





I wouldn't suggest either counselling or divorce. I would say look into yourself, you are partially to blame for the mess. Thing about what you could do differently in the future based on what you see in the past..... but most of all I would say work harder.





Think of all the time you investing in the relationship in the beginning and invest the same amount again.
What was the question again? Do you even have one?





The problem is that sleeping around is not an excuse. It's a cop out. If you want to take a man back into your arms after he's been dipping his wick somewhere else that's up to you, but self-respecting women arent' willing to accept the blame for his bad behaviour. The counselling is for the couple to understand what went wrong so they can fix it. You're not too bright, are you?
But don't you know, it's always someone else's fault? I wouldn't judge anyone, but I'll say as much: a lot of people just don't know how to take responsibility for their actions. Someone else is always to blame - for a failed relationship, for a loan you can't afford, etc. I do get tired of this mentality, too.
Wow! Someone forgot their happy pills today!


Staying with a cheating spouse is NOT worth it. My children are worth it. They deserve a happy parent.


Counseling works for some people. Divorce is sometimes the only option.
Domestic Abuse is not a game. It is a very serious social issue. They, the abusive partners, are the ones who destroy families. If you're sick of advise, Why you still look at answers.yahoo?
As a former counselor, I'm here to tell you that ';counseling'; is good both for men and for women. The rest of your rant hardly seems worth addressing.
what's the matter... did you cheat on your wife and now your trying to play victim?





always easiest to blame someone else for your choices...
whats your point if your sick of reading it DONT..sounds like your the one with the issues here.
get a divorce
touche'
i get what you mean..


this day and age being married is like working...gotta keep up the good work in order to keep what you earn...and earn ya keeps...


just cause you get married that's no reason to let yourself go or treat the person badly or show no attention cause life's to busy..


i mean the reason of marriage is love and what the other person saw in you that they didn't want to share with anyone else so that's why they married you..


any who i know i'm keeping mines more than happy... even at 4 kids he's still my baby too.. and that's what keeps our r/ship alive.. at times we still act like teenagers crazily in love... (oh and btw he has not cheated .... ';yet'; cause you just never know..but god knows all hell would break loose if he ever did) ...
Did you have a question or were you just venting?





And cheating is never acceptable. The man/woman has a responsibility to let the spouse know they are not happy BEFORE they step out on them. Not after the fact.





And pride is worth it because pride is a sense of your self-worth. I'm gald your okay with being cheated on, but most of us think we deserve more loyalty than that. No matter how ';hard'; it is to live with us. As long as you continue to do so, you owe us the respect of being faithful, and that goes for men as well as women.





I came from a ';broken'; home and never lacked for anything. I am extremely well adjusted and think had my mother stayed in a unhappy relationship I would have gotten a wrong idea as to what a real marriage should be which is a union of love and TRUST. Not let's stay together for the kids sake even if our misery affects them adversely.





Get a grip woman.
Was there a question in there?





No one asked for your opinion.





You have no right to judge others or their relationships. You don't know them and you're not in them. I'm an infidelity couples counselor and I have extensive experience on this. Why not stop looking outward at other people and look inward to find out what causes you to be such an angry hateful person towards people you don't even know? By the way, you are clearly very ignorant about how affairs work. They give him strength to continue living with their wife? That's absurd. Take your ridiculous rambling elsewhere. If people want to work it out or not is up to them, not to you. And it's a hard decision for those people to make. Why not try supporting them instead of attacking them? Geez.





Haha. My profession is part of the problem? I'm sure you would change your opinion in 2 minutes flat if you spent a few minutes talking to the couples I've helped reconcile after experiencing infidelity. And for you to say that we don't tell them anything they don't know already is again showing your ignorance. You know what they say, ';it's best to keep quiet and be thought a fool than you open your mouth and remove all doubt.'; Keep these silly opinions to yourself; we didn't ask for them.





If people had the ability to always fix their marriage on their own, divorce wouldn't exist, would it? Sometimes people need a professional who has experience with the subject. They also appreciate the psychological education that counselors have to offer. We know how the mind works, how people work, suggestions for people, etc. It also helps to have an objective opinion, as well as a mediator between two people. Those are things that you absolutely cannot get on your own. End of story. You are very uneducated on this topic, clearly.
To a degree I see where you are coming from, women forget to be their husband's girlfriend. They forget to make him feel appreciated, admired, manly, studly, exciting. Men have needs too, but women have been brought up to be ';independent'; and are so focused on their needs and rights, that they have forgotten that their men actually have needs and feelings as well.





I partially blame the feminist movement. Why can't we simply find balance. Marriages should be a partnership, each person doing their part, playing to our strengths and helping each other out instead of getting caught up in how much MORE we are doing. Quit keeping score.





There are however, some men who are just jerks. They will cheat regardless of what's going on at home. So you can't lump all women and men into the same category. AND, despite the fact that the breakdown of the marriage could possibly be laid at the feet of a bitter, selfish housewife, that still does not excuse the man's actions of cheating. It might explain it, but doesn't excuse it. That's when character and morals tow the line.
1 Question at a time lol.





Two things I agree with throughout your whole ';essay';: 1 .....the same things you did to get that man have to be the same things you do to keep that man. However, people change, are you saying that gives a man the right to go out and cheat? All marriages have problems but real men don't use cheating as a way to deal with them.





2.....Why do you feel that ';divorce'; and ';counseling'; are the only options available? I agree, Sometimes all it takes is communication between each other.





Some women do just want attention and play the victim role but most women are truly hurt and devastated when their husband betrays them. Just because you may recover quickly from being stabbed in the back don't assume that every other woman can bounce back that fast. We are all humans.





Why exactly do you care if another woman plays the ';Victim';? It doesn't have any affect on your life does it?
Oh, I get it...men are soooo weak they fall prey to adulterous liasons....it's the wife's fault, she drove him to cheat..... she forced him to scr@w another woman, sneak around, lie......etc.


wow.





There is absolutely NO justification for cheating...none. It is a choice and it doesn't make the situation that supposedly caused it better, it only makes it worse.





It's not a matter of 'sacrificing one's pride', which I would never do..once you sacrifice your self pride then you will accept any behavior, cheating......emotional %26amp; mental abuse....getting beat.....





My children are worth more than seeing me silently condoning a husband's infidelity towards his wife %26amp; children...oh yes, Cupcake, he's cheating on his wife, his marrriage AND his children......ask the kids of adulterers and they will tell you it hurts them just as badly,and if my family is destroyed, well if not for his cheating the family would still be intact as HE put the destruction into motion.....but my family would not be destroyed.....just my marriage. My children %26amp; I will survive and nicely....





(BTW....I was a single divorced Mom...not because of cheating tho...at least he left rather than cheat and live a lie...and the kids and I did just fine in fact all 4 are responsible, upstanding, succesfull adults. I am happily re-married, this time to a wonderful man. And just so there's no mistake, my ex's 'Mistress' was mixing alcohol with psychatric meds.....neither myself or his Dr would let him do it, so he walked because he wanted to mess with this toxic combo)








...and that goes for wives who cheat on their husbands.





You are that unhappy so you hop into another person's bed? Sure, that's really gonna fix things or make them better. Get out of the unhappy situation, or work with a professional to try to make it better.......





...and people don't change, Toots...a good man does not cheat....if he does, he wasn;t a 'good man' to begin with...he only appeared to be one.





Ditto for cheating wives.





And laying some wh@re gives him the strength to be with me? Lol rather he leave me then....that kind of 'strength' in a man I don't need. It's not strength, it's moral weakness. If one values one's marriage one tries to fix it FIRST, one does not commit adultery and then afterwards attempt damage control.......





So, stay with cheating man if you wish....not that I have ever faced that, I never have, but if I did, I'm worth more than a man who has no respect for me....but you are young, you'll learn..the hard way.





Edit: protest too much? lol nope, methinks it thyself who doth protest too much, to convince thyself that thee are right.........haha, that's what someone says when they have no logical come back...........you protest too much......
Wow ok so by your analysis it's ';wronged'; spouses fault that their spouse strayed? Have you ever been cheated on? I have and my husband admitted it the next day and told me it was ALL HIS FAULT!! I am a good wife and I take great care of him, he got drunk and made a SELFISH choice. BTW I forgave him and 1 1/2 years later we are strong and have a beautiful 8 month old but until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes you are noone to judge them! Stop being so rude!





I am really shocked that you are a top contributor...likening your gift of gab to your husband screwing someone to deal with his unhappiness is RIDICULOUS!!! I mean I'd laugh if I didn't know you are ACTUALLY serious!!





edit again: HAHA counseling is part of the problem? Are you SERIOUS?!! Have you ever been married? Marriage is hard work even with two spouses that love and are committed to one another. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back and asking for an independent 3rd party counsel. It's actual BIBLICAL, Christ advised that we are to ';seek wise counsel.'; Man you have one sckewed view of marriage and adultery!! Actually you seem pretty clueless all together!





Edit again: first of all who do you think you are calling me a dummy!? You don't know me and you don't know my marriage. Because I am more mature than you are I will not result to name calling but I will tell you that trying to reason with the unreasonable is a pointless feat and I have better things to spend my time on, like MY MARRIAGE! I can only hope for you that you never marry but if you do I hope you are able to keep him with whatever it was that you ';got'; him with, as for me that would be my heart. I didn't sleep with my husband until we were married so your analysis is WRONG! God bless you you're trying so hard to sound smart!!





BTW I don't need you to speak for me. Neither does any other wronged spouse who chooses to forgive.