How do i resolve my trust issues with my wife to save our marriage?

My wife cheated on me three times while we were dating (three different guys). I found out about it the day I proposed to her, but worked through it because I loved her and wanted to get past it. All 3 times, she said she thought we weren't going to get back together, but were only apart 2 days max. These weren't spur of the moment things, either. One time involved her and a guy having late night breakfast at Denny's, after drinking, and actually discussing and deciding to get a motel room at a nearby Motel 6. That was about 13 years ago. We've been married for 11 now, and as far as I know there haven't been any incidents since then. She says so, and I pretty much trust her on it.


Shortly after we got married, before our 2 kids were around, I went to a bar after work for maybe two hours to have a couple of beers with the guys I work with. She told me I was married now, and married people don't go to bars. I was basically told to choose between my friends at work and her. I fought it for a little while and finally gave in, and haven't done it since. Recently, she told me she was miserable with our life together. The romance was dead, and she felt like I was a roommate rather than a husband. We decided to work on things, and I have an appointment for a few days from now to deal with my obsession of the past cheating thing. Actually, she has decided to go with me and make it about our relationship, which is better I guess. The reason all of this is stirred back up is since she told me she was miserable, she's been going on girls' nights out with her friends to ';escape and relax';. They don't get together @ a restaurant to have drinks for a couple of hours. They usually go to 2 or 3 bars and don't come home until 30 minutes after closing time (1:30 - 2:00). She gets drunk enough that there are times she shouldn't drive. She admittedly has danced with other guys, and the group of girls will end up talking to guys at their table all night. She has taken part in ';vibrator races'; on a hot wheels track at a local biker bar. They've even spent the night in a different town a few times at her single mother's house (who partied with them). All of this is innocent she says. She's just having fun and enjoys the attention (I admittedly don't compliment her like I should anymore). I've suggested we go as a couple and she is extremely negative about it. The girls wouldn't like it and she wouldn't have any fun. It would be awkward. We can't even go to a bar together alone. I'm just looking for answers to see if I'm creating insecurities in my head or if I have a valid reason to think she should quit this stuff. She says she won't go out for a while while we work on us, but she won't promise to never do it again. How do you guys feel? Should married people go hang out with single people looking for a good time without their spouses? Any suggestions on ways to stop obsessing about the past? I think if I could make that go away, it might help a lot.How do i resolve my trust issues with my wife to save our marriage?
No !!! I do NOT believe ';married'; people should ';go out on the town'; without their spouse. Sorry !!!! I don't give a sh*t how many ';thumbs down'; I get for my opinion on this. . . .'cause it ain't going to change. IF YOU'RE MARRIED. . . .YOU'RE MARRIED !!!! It's the whole point to marriage. . . . .TO DO THINGS TOGETHER !!!! If MY spouse ever thinks it's OKAY to go ';party'; without me. . . . .he'll be coming home to an empty house !!!!!!!!! I WOULD NEVER TOLERATE THAT SH*T. . . . .EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!





I only want to add . . . .or ask. . . .one thing here !!!! WHY THE HELL DID YOU PROPOSE TO HER WHEN SHE ADMITTED TO HAVING CHEATED 3 TIMES WHILE YOU WERE DATING ???????????? Don't you kinda feel like you DESERVE this ????? If I had found that out PRIOR to marriage. . . . .I'D HAVE KICKED THAT PERSON'S A$$ TO THE CURB !!!! PRONTO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!How do i resolve my trust issues with my wife to save our marriage?
Now hold the phone....she cheated on you 3 times before the marriage cause she 'thought you two weren't together anymore' and those were like what 2 day increments? And you MARRIED HER? THEN...you like to go to bars and hang out and she said 'married folk don't do that' and she's out here partying like a damn disco bunny on drugs? AND STILL flirtin and doing whatever most likely cheating on you with all these guys on her 'girls' night out?





I notice a trend.....let's see..scandalous and worthless BEFORE marriage..cause she was too busy trying to 'have fun' aaand scandalous and worthless AFTER marriage because of ..GASP...the same thing.





There's nothing to work on man...she's playing you like a fool...the moment she said she was 'miserable with our life together' was the moment YOU should've realized (you SHOULD'VE realized this after she cheated on you..3 TIMES..) that there is no hope for that woman and you need to move on.





There's nothing to work at man...you ain't gonna change her...that's like a woman trying to change a man...it DOESN'T HAPPEN.....you're not in a marriage anymore..you've wasted your time really...i mean how it even got to 11 years is beyond me....cause all that crap she's done just REALLY really proves she's a hopeless case....you have a lot of patience, or just a lack of sense..because you should've moved on LONG time ago...what the hell does she do to make you try and work at this relationship? WHY do you love this woman? I don't see where she's done any good to you at all....
You married a ho although alrozz worded it more nicely.
Man get out now while you can, she has your testicles in her hand and squeezing them tight...You can bet that she has been telling you little lies too and having some hanky panky on the side...Pity you never saw the light when you proposed...
Married people do not go to bars alone and carry on the way your wife is. If she is not cheating now she will very soon. Set some ground rules and follow them. Start to pay more attention to your wife and complement her more often. if all else fails, try marriage counseling.
I would suggest that you seperate. She obviously doesn't want you around spoiling her good time. I know that probably hurts but its true. How can you not see the writing on the wall, so to speak. She is having her cake and eating it too since you won't put your foot down and just tell her that its not a happy situation for you.





Or hey, how about you don't tell her anything at all. Your addicted to her or she is a habit that you can't break free of. If thats the case and you intend to stay with her no matter how she behaves then shut up and let her go out and party.





Or, be smart, and go out too by yourself with your friends. She already told you that married people don't do that. What she meant was it wasn't okay for you to do that, but it's alright for her to do that. Apparently the rules have changed and evidently she is the one setting the rules. Do you plan on living under her rules for the rest of your life?


If not then, take her rules and let them work against her for yourself.


You are allowed to do the same things she is doing, right? Then go and do them and stop sitting around worrying about what she is doing.





I bet she won't like that idea at all.





Oh, and nights out with the girls is b.s. Trust me she isn't with the girls, she is out flirting or more with the boys. Even if she is ';with the girls';.


She doesn't want you along because you will cramp her style, whatever that is. And out all night?????? I DONT THINK SO.


Free her up to live however she wants to live and don't look back.


Eventually she will find someone else to treat like sh*t. don't let it continue to be you.



your wife is a phico man you need to dump her


she is controlling you .you need some time on your own to chill ya know


its not fair that she is going out and your not aloud





pick specific days where ye can both go out and say every friday night you go out wit your mates and visa versa
once you find out how to please let me know, my man hasn't even done anything and i keep worrying if one day it may come.





i worry that im not doing a good enough job being his girlfriend and that we will go to someone else, even though ive never share my feelings like that with him..it been stressing me out because I want to be trusting and not to doubt him. he never does anything to make me doubt him like that.





i think she should let you kept going to bars tho, you need to have your own life still once married and things you can do along.





sorry hope it works out.
if you break your mom's favorite vase and glue it back together for sure the cracks are still there and will never be the same again. The trust factor has been broken and will never be the same again. No matter how hard you try you will have doubt in the back of your mind. Most relationships can not withstand infidelity. Even when all is forgiven...It is not forgotten, and will always influance how you feel and react..
I have to say There are a lot of answers here and to be honest I have not read one on them and my typing is probably pretty bad as-well as I have had a wine, but here is my advise, as that is all it is advise...


A very wise friend said to me a while ago J do You ever think there is to much water under the bridge?? To which I replied I don't think so! But 12mths on I no exactly what he meant, I had a partner who had cheated and I thought I could get over it, which i probably could have the problem is that person become extremely jealous and at first I thought Well they were always jealous but I remembered my friend had also said 'do as I say not as I do' which is exactly what was going on, I was not allowed to do anything without a fight, where they could do anything and if I questioned it was a soap opera... my partner was in the wrong and I'm not saying Yours is but the moral of my story is sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge, unless You really can get over it 100%.. otherwise leave it alone as everyone can stuff up but no-one need be persuecuted for there mistakes for the rest of there lives and maybe if that person has and You're going to persuecute them then don't be with them





The thing is You can only speculate on what has happened, You only have one life there are no training wheels! If You are not !00% happy with the situation change it only You have the power to do that, not them, they can only control you if you let them....





Regardless of whatever has happened, you deserve to be happy as does Your partner, if You're not happy together than do something about it!





The first answer is talking,


then counseling,


if not cut and run.





but most important be happy, You only have one chance!





J
You have found yourself in my shoes. I was married sixteen years to a cheating spouse and I have heard all the excuses and I'm sorry, and I will never do it again stories. She is just like my ex, married to early, still wants to party with friends and have sex with others. Do not waste your time on a marriage that is going to end up in divorce court, if not this year, then in a few years. Good luck.
there seems to be set of rules here she does what the hell she wants and you do what she wants get the blinders off she is cheating on you again a couple who is trying to fix their problems doesnt go out slutting around at the bars so I would suggest you go to the bar with your friends and plan that special night with your wife with divorce papers in hand and get someone who will love you and get her the hell out of your life if she wants to be a tramp fine let her screw up her own life
Far out this sounds like it sucks!





Definitly see a counsulor,,, I don't think there is any form of message I could respond with that would provide help....





She may be cheating...? Sounds like a ***** to do this to you, ive been in a similar situation where my GF has 20 single female friends and none are in relationships... where does this put me? she goes out with them and they are all looking for guys and talking about guys they have met and want to date, and of course im not allowed to come out as i would be the only guy and it would be akward, it freaking sucks,





maybe you should find 'couples' to hang out with, talk to her, be honest...





some advice... oh man forget the past, stop stressing!!!!!! just stop it, ENJOY your life, if your wife messes with your head break up and find a new girl to start a new story with....





You need to get your game on! become desirable again, be romantic, surprise her with notes around the house, hide presents and gifts in her car with nice letters, get a new outfit? loose some weight? haircut? learn comedy... hmm im only young so i dont know anything about 11 year relationships... but you can email me if you ever need to vent!





I would honeslty get out of this relationship.... your life will suck for a bit but will improve heaps, it really sounds like shes not mature enough for a relationship/marriage, maybe if you leave her she will realise she needs you?? (but then she might **** other guys in the process which would suck) but you could with other girls too which might be fun!





Your married, she shouldnt be going out on these singles nights, that compelte ****, its cheating (even if she not sleeping with anyone - shes obiously hanging out with other guys and girls, flirting, having fun), its selfish, as partners you are MENT to hang out together, go out together, its crap if you cant come along.
She wants to ';escape and relax'; but refuses to do it with you along? You have big problems. After insisting that you can't go and have a few with your mates, she goes bar hopping with her single friends, stays out until closing and drives home intoxicated? Or sometimes just doesn't come home that night at all? Get real. She wants what she said you can't have, and that is cheating in my book, whatever else she might be doing.
Herer is the answer in a nutshell.





Write out the exact dates she's running around and getting drunk at bars, the hours she's returned. Quoite swhat she says about dancing ( and certainly more) with guys in her stupidifed state)...Mental cruelty to you...








You now have solid grounds for divorce.





If you try to convince yourslef there is any other course, 7you are NOT LISTENING TO HER%26gt; SHe is out there as a single and has told you she hates being married to you. Use that quote as well about her saying she is merable with you)





Of course, this is all in her head. ....just like my ex wife after 19.5 years of marriage. And note: Losting my ex was the best gift she ever gave me...She started th divorce and I got rid of an albatross.





You deserve a whole lot better than this treatment which is all made up in her head.
Your wife was not ready for marriage. You had taken her away from the life she prefers, but when you leave her with a choice that could cost her well naturally she said yes.





Now she battles the difference versus induction to a new phase of life. Where's room to squeeze in fun time for me and party time for him? Would she play again...hell yes she will when the timing is right and you already know that.





You took her away too soon from the life she preferred rather than getting married, having children and loving her husband like she should be doing.
lol. don't let her goto that club, she will make out with guys 99% sure. you cant trust a cheater. once a cheater always a cheater. she has you whipped. she can do things, but you can't. uh, why are you letting that slide? no offense, but um you seem to be wearing the skirt in the relationship. it's time to man up and be the controller. she seems like a real. well you know the word.





honestly, you need to be the boss. and whatever you do don't let her go to the bar. you can even threaten her. say. ok you can go but then we're over. she won't go and if she does. shows she had a hidden agenda.
You've taken a step in the right direction by seeking counseling, so kudos to you for that!





That she's willing to go with you is a positive as well because essentially, this is about the two of you.





As for the double standard thing, IMHO, that's not so good ~ to me, her activity and reasoning is bringing back your neurosis in the trust department.





I completely understand why you're on the fence with this issue. Her track record and bad judgment are what got you to the point you're at.





So, in your case, her spending time with her single friends (and presenting herself as available), especially after telling you ';you're married now';, set the course of action for your obsession with the ';cheating thing';. Her attempts to justify her actions are lame at best and leaves both of you with no resolution.





It's going to take time, patience and willingness from both of you to get this one out of the dung pile. I will only say again, it's good that you've decided on counseling...





All the best to you ~
im sorry you are going thru this...but honestly...onece trust is gone its hard to get it back and the both of you have to be willing to constantly work on it..and more on her part since she was the one who stepped out on you...good luck..you are in my prayers..i couldnt do it..once i caught my ex cheating...he begged to be back...and i just imagined him sliiping back into it and i knew i couldnt forget...forgive yes but forget..no ...