My husband %26amp; I have been married 7 years %26amp; last May, in fact on my birthday, I find out he is having an affair w/another pet store owner he met at a conference earlier that year, that lives in MN. Immediately after finding out my husband asks me for a divorce %26amp; a month later he and his cheating partner both decide to stay w/their spouses b/c of all of the complications and both families have kids. In fact I had just had a baby 6 months prior %26amp; gained 100lbs %26amp; was at my worst place ever, dealing with a baby that had Colic, a 5 year old, being at home full time, depressed, and severely over weight.
Even though they both agreed to stay w/their spouse they still communicated w/each other on a daily basis using phone, text, and email. In August I finally had enough %26amp; asked my husband to stop talking to her all together or I will be finding a new place to live. I told him it was so wrong of them to keep talking to each other after what they did %26amp; they claimed they were friends but they continued to express their feelings of love. I told my husband that they CANT focus on fixing their marriages if they are talking to each other %26amp; keep feelings alive that should die. So he asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him to send her a text message, as he refused to call her in front of me, and tell her he could no longer talk to her and to pretty much go away.
Since that day I've seen calls to her on our cell bill the following month which he claimed was to ask her a question about the business %26amp; after that I havent seen her number show up, but I did mention to him that she could call him at work %26amp; I would never know. He swore he wasn't talking to her. There were 2 more incidents after that, one of which was 3 weeks ago where I found a file of mine I had cut %26amp; paste of a conversation we had on his computer %26amp; the date he did it was Oct 27th, 2009. We get in to a huge argument where he tells me again nothing is going on, he hasnt spoken to her in months %26amp; told me I was being paranoid %26amp; I have to learn to trust him.
Well today I find on his phone 2 email messages that started in Sept and go through Oct 20th, 2009 was the last communication, they hit the reply button so the previous message would copy to the next. In those messages I saw her telling my husband she loved him and missed him and in one message he told her how his missed her smiling face and wished they could be together and run their business together. One of the last messages was her saying she is going to call the store %26amp; will use a different name when she called.
I yelled at him this morning about the messages %26amp; called him a liar. He tells me they mean nothing %26amp; he was just talking to her. I told him she still loves him %26amp; wants to be with him %26amp; he tells me he doesnt feel the same. So I read him his message he wrote about missing her %26amp; wanting to be with her which he tells me he had a moment of weakness after a horrible day, but realizes that it will never happen %26amp; his focus is on me and the girls. He told me he has been trying very hard to work on our marriage, which he has been over the past month, but this last week he has been acting like he did when he was cheating which is why I searched his phone for clues. I reminded him of the past 3 months of me point blank asking him if he was cheating on me or talking to her %26amp; how he point blank told me ';NO'; he wasn't %26amp; he hadn't talked to her in several months. He told me it was a double edge sword %26amp; didn't want a fight as he thought if he told me I would be pissed %26amp; in his mind since nothing was going on it was best to say nothing. He swears she has never called the store %26amp; that he hasnt spoken to her in over a month %26amp; has no plans to. He reassured me that his focus is on me %26amp; the girls %26amp; he has no interest in something that will never work out with this woman.
I want to believe him, but every inch I give him of trust comes back a mile of lies. I think he needs to send her a message and tell her it's over and to NEVER contact him again, but I also nHow Can My Cheating Spouse Prove To Me He Will Be Trustworthy From Now On?
Well, first I think you all need to get with a good counselor who is willing to really help you mend the marriage. Second, extramarital affairs may be based in fantasy, but they feel real to those involved. It will take him time to grieve the loss of the person that he thinks he loves. He will need some space for that grieving--but, you are right in that no contact should be happening now, even though he grieves.
The best way he can regain your trust is to be transparent. Willingly hand over the cell phone bills, the cell phone, the business phone bills, passwords to all e-mail accounts, voice mail access codes, financial records, etc.
Quit yelling at him and tell him you are done yelling. Stick to this, because you want to work it out. Working through tough problems means rationally talking about them. He can't feel safe telling you anything if you yell in response.
Go with him to all conventions from now on. Try to find childcare for those trips, but if you can't take the girls along and sit down beside him through every single presentation. If you meet this woman, be polite enough. Your constant presence will make her know you are willing to fight for your marriage.
Also, work on yourself physically. Do it for you, not him. It will make you feel more empowered. Get on medication for ADHD. Exercise regularly. You don't need to have the dough for a personal trainer, but you could get a video and work out at home or get a limited gym membership--often they have childcare available.
If he won't go to counseling, you go anyway to deal with your stuff. Even if he doesn't change, your change will make you know that you can get through this and build a better life for you and the girls.
Don't let all your future and all your self-worth be tied up in your husband. Carve out your own life and your own goals. If it turns out that he really has a heart change, you can rebuild the marriage. If he stays where he's at emotionally, you can gain the strength to let him go.
Don't give up! Hang in there. :-)How Can My Cheating Spouse Prove To Me He Will Be Trustworthy From Now On?
every time you feel the need to dwell on him and her to this extent, get up and take a long walk.
do this untill you are at a healthy weight that is right for you. being at a healthy weight and eating right will also alleviate your mental symptoms. join weight watchers. go to the meetings. you will learn how to eat right and how to quit making excuses. you are lucky to be a stay at home mom with a husband who will tolerate your weight and mental issues.
read, the proper care and feeding of husbands, by dr laura, and, dr perricones books on how to eat for maximum health, and suzanne sommers book on the dangers of eating sweets.
you are responsible for you. and you can be better. and then better things will happen. it isnt about this other woman, it is about you taking care of yourself, and i hope you do.
Really the circumstances of your situation are more important to you than the situation. One can gain the fact that you have some appreciation of the reality that it would be very difficult for you to be on your own and that you are not being cavalier about ending a marriage. Putting all the restrictions of the answer you want is not going to change the truth of the matter.
When human beings are involved there are no guarantees or warranties to be had as to a course of behavior. One's best indicators of future action is past behavior. That does not mean people cannot change, but, it most likely it will take a concerted effort with profession help.
This is a day to day process of gaining trust or confirming that there has been no change for the better - a very difficult path for you. You go by what the actions are, not by what someone says. Talk is cheap. Behavior and actions will tell you the truth of the matter. His behavior at this point indicates that there is absolutely NO reason to trust him. He has committed repeated offenses.
You cannot continue to live your life checking up on your husband and getting in to fights - that will destroy any positive progress you make. As difficult as it will be, you must, for your own mental health, observe his behavior and watch him for several months. You will find the lies with time, if there are any. Simply keep track or a log and then make your decision. You make the time period - 4 - 6 months and try to be the best wife you can. You may even decide to share this plan with your husband and let him know if he cannot build a trustful relationship with you in that time frame, you will have to consider alternative measures. Let him know for that period of time, you will give him the benefit of the doubt, but, you will be observing - this is not a free run. Do your sleuthing quietly.
I think you have already made up your mind you do not want to leave and have used your girls as an excuse. If you decide you want to stay - that is your choice, but, do not blame it on your girls. There is treatment for ADD - I have worked with them and many hold down jobs with stability. If it is your choice to stay at home, then accept that in yourself and realize the trade-off may be living with an cheating husband. That works for some people. Be honest with yourself when you make your decision.
It would be in your best interest to talk to an attorney. This would not be for a divorce, but, to find out what your rights are under the laws of the state you live in, so when your trial period is over you can make an intelligent decision. If half of the property is yours and your husband knows this, this might be a 'wake up' call for him - or not. But, be informed.
If there is any way to join a marriage enrichment group, that would be beneficial to both of you - even if the marriage does not survive. It will teach good communication skills.
Best wishes to you.
Stay, Mrs Stay at Home Mom. LOL. He is going to cheat again and again. No reason for him to stop as you are not going anywhere. See what happens when you are totally dependent on a man? Can't make a dignified move....
See Cracker Jack's and The Mrs. answers above...
I read all of that. Here is my short short answer. Divorce.
Here is my medium answer. ANYONE (regardless of gender) that cheats and wants to work on their marriage would have NOTHING to do with their Ex and would bend over backwards for their spouse to prove truthfulness and trustworthiness. They would NOT call you crazy and paranoid.
He will keep cheating because you cannot meet his sexual needs. I don't think you are inclined to even try.
Your husband made a poor choice as far as finding someone compatible.
Men want good sex frequently... they will get it one way or the other. If you don't provide it, someone else will.
I hate to say it, but no one really cares if you have issues or problems. They do care, but only up to the point where you can't meet their needs. It sounds harsh, but it's true.
Go get a job. You are full of excuses. You know how to solve this problem yet you don't want to. You want to keep playing a victim.
Based on everything I've read, I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats many more times.
I could not read the whole story, but given your condition, both in health and in life, you are dependent upon him for virtually everything. What is he getting out of the relationship? What will you do if he chooses to move on. You have to become more self reliant...show him a good relationship...and a lot of your issues will go away
can you blame him? you sound like a fat, nagging, lazy, whiny, do-nothing sack of crap who wants everything but won't give anything in return. I doubt you keep the house clean or give him regular sex either. The world don't revolve around you fyi
He can't. That's why it's called trust.
Look, you can't trust him because he is not trustworthy. You have all the information that you need. Just because he lies to your face about it does not mean that the information you have provided is not true. You know this, deep inside. You are only losing faith in your own judgment because your situation is so time consuming and you feel at a low point now. But, if you divorce, you will get child support.
I understand that life is not easy and simple. But that doesn't change the facts. Just because they are complicated and awful doesn't change the conclusions, and you have demonstrated that he is a liar, and the only thing that could keep you with him is denial or desperation. You asked for advice, and you are getting it. Dump him. You deserve better than a cheating husband and a pack of lies.
Let's see, disabled, naggy wife at home, or new woman??? It'll just be some other woman, if not the one you know about.
I am sorry to say but I think that he is not giving you any reason to trust him now. He has to realize that he is the one who messed up and it is going to be on your terms if you are going to ever trust him again. His life is going to have to be very transparent to you. You should be allowed to go through his phone, his computer and any other thing that he may use as a means to contact her. You should be able to look over all cell phone bills, credit card bills etc. He should offer those things to you. Is this business where he works owned by him? If it is I would ask to see the phone bills from there too. He has to cut off all connections with her. He should call her in front of you and tell her that it is over. You said that he would not do that before and that makes me think that he is not being on the up and up with you. IMO he did not want to call her in front of you because he did not really want to tell her it was over. He should call you and check in with you regularly if you want him to. If he cannot do all that you ask he does not really feel bad for what he has done and he does not want to let her go. If that is the case I would leave. He needs to realize that he is the one that broke your trust and it is him that needs to work to get it back. He cannot expect you to just start trusting him again. It just does not happen that way. I hope things work out for you.
He has made and broken this promise already, he has lied over and over, denied it, and then turned it on you, saying you were paranoid and should trust him. His reassurances at this point mean nothing. Isn't this driving you absolutely insane, how can you raise your girls around this, even if they do not know what is going on they must sense, the turmoil you must have been going through. You are NOT paranoid, he was playing with you then and is continuing to do so. What you do now, only you can decide, but is it in you and your children's best interest and happiness to continue with this, will you be able to trust him now that he has made yet another promise, or will you continue to search the computer and cell phone bills with the burning sensation in your stomach? Peace to you.
i think you are far too comfortable in your house and probably just dont want to work. If however you feel that this is not the case , then ask him if he wants seperation and then u shud seprate. Live in a life where you admire each other for being good even when u were in the odd situation. If you do love him set him free ! and if he is yours ..he will come back to you !!
Its your test and also his !!
Goodluck and please dont play the helpless victim !
you can't control him. he will do what he wants to. empower yourself, a little at a time. start with a part time job, lose weight. when he fears he will really lose you and it is not an empty threat, he might change. he also might not change, but even then you will be better off if you have empowered yourself.
in couples recovering from affairs the betraying spouse needs to cut off all contact with the affair partner. a good book about recovering from affairs is ';not just friends';. to show sincerity, he has to provide accountability - all workphone, cellphone, email records, needs to call you up to tell you where he is throughout the day, etc. you might also want to tell the other woman's husband - probably she is continuing this behavior since she is not facing any consequences.
You can stay in a committed relationship but just do not violate yourself by entering into sexual relationships with a dirty man.
WELL HE MIGHT EVENTUALLY REALIZE THAT HE WAS WRONG...AND CHANGE.
EVENTUALLY.
THE ONLY WAY FOR HIM TO PROVE HE IS WORTHY IS IF YOU LET HIM STAY WITH YOU..
IF YOU HAVE NO CHILDREN WITH HIM YOU MIGHT AS WELL LET HIM GO..
I SEEN WOMAN WITH THE WORST MEN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND THE WOMAN JUST KEEP LETTING THE MAN DO THESE SORT OF THINGS AND GET AWAY WITH IT...WHILE SOME OF THE MEN CONTINUED TO DO THEM...SOME OF THE WOMAN HAD CHILDREN AND SOME DID NOT, SO, THE BEST THING FOR YOU TO DO IS STOP EVERYTHING AND WATCH WHAT HE DOES...DONT ACT LIKE YOU WANT TO SAVE ANYTHING AN DONT ACT LIKE YOU CARE..
JUST WATCH...
YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO BE WITH ANYONE IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED...
Too long, good luck.
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