My problem is very complicated, but I will try my best to explain it as best as I can.
I was raped by a relative who is about 5 years older than I. We were drinking at a family party with other family members, and he had insisted on taking me home afterwards since he hardly drank and was busy making some sick plan in his mind to rape me.
Anyways, he did not take me home but took me to a motel instead where he repeatedly had sex with me while I was very intoxicated. In the morning upon waking up sober, he forced himself on me even though I kept telling him no and begging him to stop!
He wouldn't listen but threatened me that he would tell everyone that I came onto him if I were to tell anyone. He spent a great deal of time convincing me that I had no choice in the matter and that we were now lovers whether I liked it or not.
He then took me home, but continued to call me all hours of the day to check on what I was doing and to make sure that I did not talk to anyone.
Here's the worst part of it, he is already married and so am I. Our spouses had no idea what had happened and I was too scared to tell anyone, I felt disgusted and dirty.
Well I became pregnant and it is against my beliefs to abort an innocent life, so I kept the child, which made my then husband leave me. So I became seperated with my husband and ont he other hand was stalked by my cousin!
To make matters even worst, he is not only just a cousin, but my first cousin! He had cheated on his wife for so long with so many other women, but the difference is that I am his cousin!!!!!
His wife gives him the boot, around the same time I was patching things up with my husband. (Whom bless his heart, still loved me enough to care for another man's child!)
In all of the goings on, the father of my baby moves himself into my home, telling me that he needs my help and wants to marry me. He tells me that I should do it for the sake of our child, etc.
The problem is that I am fearful of him because I am a very tiny person and he is a big man. I am intimidated by his size and his temper.
He really forces his way and his life upon me and I feel like he is ruining life and tearing it apart, trying to make me feel guilty for everything! Including not helping him!
My husband and I were not able to get together like we had planned, since my cousin has forced his way back into my life! Don't get me wrong, I have attempted 3 times to kick him out of my home, but he keeps coming back and asking for another chance.
I am so miserable and I do not even love him like a wife should! In fact, each day I wake up to look at him, I think of a brother!!! I do love him for the fact he is the father of my child, but it's just not right!!!!
I am so sicekned by all of this, but am too afraid to try anything else and don't want to be abused or worst by him.
Can a relationship with a cheater who also happens to be your first cousin ever develop into anything more? I would also lie to mention that our child is not deformed or retarde in anyway, infact he is very smart for his age and progressing above average, so please no incestuous jokes or remarks about that.
This is a serious problem and I need to find a peaceful way out of this and how can I explain to my husband whom I love that I really want to be with him and not the crazy lunatic who is living in my home?I need advice on a very sticky situation. SERIOUS answers please!?
I hope you undestand that this is not a marriage. You are not his wife, and you have no obligation to feel or act like one. You owe him nothing. Less than nothing. He raped you. He is treating you like he has taken ownership of you. You are his victim. His slave. His hostage. Not his wife. Not his lover. The peaceful way out is the way that protects you and your child, period.
Your husband should be helping you if he loves you. But it is not any man who will rescue you. It is you. There are people who can help. If you want your husband to know you're serious about him, you need to prove it by doing reasonable and necessary things. If you do the things that help YOU, those things will solve the problem of your husband understanding. Following is an explanation of those things with as much clarity as I can manage.
Okay, listen to me please.
If you want to call me, email me at thegoddess38464@yahoo.com.
Please check out these links:
http://www.google.com/search?client=oper鈥?/a>
http://www.google.com/search?client=oper鈥?/a>
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en%26amp;clien鈥?/a>
(SORRY! Yahoo took out most of the link addresses. Search 24 hour rape hotlines. Search PTSD, Shock,Rape. Search Stockholm Syndrome.Search signs of abusive relationships. )
The fact that he is your cousin has absolutely nothing to do with this, and no bearing on the issue whatsoever.
Imagine for a moment that he was not your cousin, and you had not had strong ties to him your entire life.
What kind of relationship starts with a rape? You should have called the police when it happened. You still can. I am not saying you should have like you're a bad person for not doing it. I know why you didn't. For one thing, he's a relative, and we're all a little funny when it comes to family. We let them get away with a lot. For another thing, you were attacked. Rape is not sex. Rape is a serious act of violence. I've heard it put this way... You can't beat someone over the head with a frying pan and call it cooking. You can't attack someone using force and your penis and call it sex, or call them your lover. You are not his lover. You are someone he violently attacked. This was physical and emotional abuse and one of the worst kinds.
There is no doubt whatever that you have post traumatic stress disorder. Your question exhibited many signs. I have post traumatic stress disorder after witnessing a bloody violent murder, and I do not believe that what I saw is nearly as bad (for me,) as what you experienced. But I DO know what PTSD is, and you are going through it right now. You are too in shock to deal with this man. You are too in shock to know what to do. You are not making rational decisions that will protect you because you are operating on auto pilot. You identify with your attacker, which happens, and it is understandable. It is a survival mechanism. Not only have you been brutally violated, but you are being held hostage, stalked, and controlled by fear tactics. You are in danger. You do not know what kind of danger you are in. He may not kill you, but he is killing your spirit. You have to take care of yourself. You have to take care of the child. You have to fight back.
He MUST NOT KNOW that you plan to do anything. Make a plan, and get out, no matter what you have to do. Do it without his knowledge, preferably when he's out for long enough that you're long gone by the time he gets back. You need a safe house for a while. Maybe a domestic violence shelter. Maybe a house of a friend or relative. You know what? You can come stay at my house.
That child is not his child. That child is your child, and the child of the man who loves him. Love makes parents. Rapists, stalkers, and abusers do not know what love is. I'm sorry. He does not. Get out. Look in your phone book for domestic violence shelters. They will keep you safe, give you counseling so you can heal, and help you rebuild your life. You need to be there with your child so you can both be safe until you are past the shock. You are not past the shock.
Men who exhibit this kind of behavior often will molest and rape small children of any sex and age. I guarantee you are not the only woman he's raped, abused, stalked, and attempted to control. I don't know how I can be sure to get through to you the reality of your situation, because I know what kind of shock and denial you are in. I've been there. But please, if not for you, for the child, and for women he'll attack in the future, please read the information in the links, and please consider what I'm saying.
Get out. Consider having him prosecuted. The statute of limitations to prosecute a rape is 10 years, but if there were other crimes, it is extended. There were other crimes. Also, when the victim is too in shock and controlled to come forward for a period of time, the statute is sometimes lifted. I know... I KNOW you don't want to hurt him and ruin his life. But look what he's done to you. This won't be the end of it. Please hear me.I need advice on a very sticky situation. SERIOUS answers please!?
get your husband to read what you just wrote.... and go to the police about your cousin, he has ruined your life....
im sorry i couldnt help... i could only bear to read half of ur story... thats ****ed up! im sorry.
First you need to call the your husband and tell him what happened and i mean everything, it sounds to me like he would understand. then call the cops and have your cusion arrested and get a restraining order have your husband move in and try to get some counseling to help you with the whole situation also have your husband go with you for support
good luck and i hope you prevail
If you don't do something about this whole situation, you'll suffer, mentally as well as in terms of being able to have relationships.
You should report this rapist cousin of yours to the police. You have a child who will provide proof of what he did. If he raped his own cousin, who's saying who else he's already raped or will rape. He is already trying to control you and your life. Kick him out of the house - he is scum and should NOT be in your life at all. Don't even think of carrying on a relationship with him - he has already proved to be totally unsuitable as a prospective partner.
If you want to be with your proper husband, you need to tell him too, and make it clear that what you need from him is support, not for him to be an extra burden. Seek marriage guidance/counselling if need be.
Most important of all, through all this, love your child. I don't know how old he/she is but kids can pick up on emotional turmoil. The child may think if you're rejecting the cousin/father thn you'll reject the child too.
Get the support of your family and true friends and send that disgusting excuse for a cousin to jail where he belongs.
In all honesty, I didn't and couldn't read the whole thing. From what I did read, you seem to let people use you for their own sefl-satisfaction and you don't retaliate. Babygirl, pull your self-worth out of the trash and stand up for yourself because if you don't, well, this kind of crap is going to continue. Now as to the rape, you better report that crap and let the chips fall where they may. You are better than what you give yourself credit for and you better start giving those that walk all over your your behind to kiss. I am putting you in prayer for ';strength'; to be sent your way and please, please never forget, that you are just as important and worthy of being respected and treated as such. God Bless.
have him thrown in jail i im glad you kept your baby because its not your babys fault love it like a mother should
Honey, you need some SERIOUS HELP!! This lunatic has messed with your head so much that you don't know up from down anymore!
You need to go to your local police dept., tell them your entire story, and they will get him out of your home!
Then, go to your husband, and tell him the entire story, and I'll bet he will be more than willing to come back home to take care of you and the baby!
Then, all of you will need to seek some counselling to help you and your husband get your marriage back on track and to help you put all the anger and emotional trauma of the rape behind you as much as one can!
Good luck to you!
If he wont leave you need to simple as that.
Put the house up for sale we are in a recession you can buy a new house easily
so get out now
it sucks that your life is sooo screwed
first of all you need to go to the cops if he wont leave your house. Get an order of protection. Press rape charges. And if your ';husband was a real man he would kick the livin S**T out of your cousin.
Go to your husband Try to convince him You love him And you have an error .Prior to this Cut your relationship with your cousin
Take your husband and Get Out .chI am ange Place of residence.I am so sorry for you
You answered your own question at the end.
You are trying to ';find a peaceful way out of this';. You cannot and will not ever find a peaceful solution to something that started out as savage and brutal as the way this started.
You are trying to sustain a lie. You are doing everything you can to protect everyone around you except YOU!
At what point do you think it would be appropriate for ';him'; to be held accountable for his actions? Why is it that you feel that YOU should be the one being held accountable for his actions?
Yeah. This will be really tough. Gather your forces around you including the police and the courts and stand up for yourself.
As long as you continue to hide behind this false belief in ';peace'; - you will never find healing.
I would offer that you have a huge piece of this irresponsibility because it was you that got drunk in the first place. Your words above show no sign of personal responsibility in this. You, like most people that get into trouble because of drugs/alcohol usually try to shift the blame for the illicit behavior over to the drugs/alcohol instead of taking full responsibility and accountability for YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND BEHAVIOR!
This is why you want to find a peaceful solution. Otherwise, you will have to face the truth that the reason all this happened was because of YOU!
There is a way out and you don't see it.
Explain to your husband what really took place. Tell him that you really love him and you are willing to take it into the hands of the law. If you want to be in peace with your husband, then put this lunatic away for repeated rape, sexual harassment and stalking to end this nightmare. I can tell you love your husband and this was never your fault. Ask your husband to kick his *** out. Meanwhile put a Restraining Order on this maniac. Let him go to prison so he can get raped time after time and see how it feels.
PS. Save this present page and let your husband have a good look at it. Also make a printable copy just in case, it might help you in court. Personally, I feel for you and your husband, but mostly you. Do not hessitate. Do what you have to do. Save your marriage.
We are with you. Please be storng. I will pray for you until I hear different. God bless you. God I'm upset!
i think you should show this page to your husband, maybe he dosnt realise how in deep you are, i would report the cousin to the police asap. move far far away and let your other family members know whats going on, secretly tape ur cousin threatning you or something ( nanny cam or audio) for proof. do something! stand up for urself!.
GO TO YOUR EX OR CURRENT HUSBAND!!he needs to know!both of you are supposed to be honest to each other and if he knew the truth then he might change his mind..im so sorry this happened to you and im very glad you didnt abort your child,,its not the childs fault who the father his and it happened and you cant go back in time...this is NOTTTT your fault at all.how old are you and your cousin?
i hope you tell him the truth he needs to know p.s this isnt your fault at all and im not saying this like it is your fault
good luck i hope everything goes well
tell him the truth how you feel and also what happen to you. your husband should understand why you kept it from him. just tell him you really love him and want to be with him and not the crazy *** whole. well i hope you do the right thing. good luck
Friday, August 20, 2010
Can anyone else relate?
I am a very happily married man and this is my second marriage. The first marriage of 15 years ended rather messy because of infidelity on the part of my spouse. I have constantly criticized her for going outside of our marriage all the while withholding any physical contact with me. I am not just talking days; I am referring to years of abstinence. This was supposed to be a medical condition on her part, physical contact was too painful for her. So what do you do, leave her? What kind of person would that make me?
Now here I am 7 years later with an incredible wife and a loving home and what do I do? Fall for another woman. Don鈥檛 get me wrong there has been no inappropriate activity or any kind of situation that would constitute an affair; however there are definitely strong feelings on both parts I think. This girl is smart, funny, and beautiful; I mean she is drop dead gorgeous. I have not perused her nor will I.
This is my situation, after years of disdain for my ex-wife and preaching about how wrong it is to cheat. I have been humbled in the respect that for the first time in my life I understand why some people get tempted. I mean this person in my life is the only individual that has ever made me question my principals and I believe this situation was dealt to me to help me understand and perhaps even forgive.
Can anyone else relate?Can anyone else relate?
Yes, there are many spices out there and only a few get into ones taste buds, but if you are committed to one spice and enjoy it, then that is all you would need, temptations are put out there for effect, and fantasy, leave it were it belongs and preserve the spice you have. To love one is a blessing to love another as well is a torture against your being, choose what you want most. and commit to that be it your wife, your fantasy girl, your honor, your pride, self worth.
Good luck its not easy but its all part of this great adventureCan anyone else relate?
I can relate in the sense that, whenever I answer questions here, I try to remember the saying, ';There but for the grace of God go I.'; In general, people are not truly evil - they're trying to do their best but sometimes failing. What's important is to try your best to be a good person, and to do the right thing, no matter what temptations life might present you.
Yes lots of guys can relate. It's easy for others on here to say a cheat is the scum of the earth but they've most likely never been put in a position where they entertained the idea. My ex decided after our second child was one year old that we wouldn't have more so we didn't need to have sex. She did relent very little. After years of begging and pleading I just couldn't take it anymore and left. Did I stray? Yes! I don't condone cheating either. Sometimes though you can be put in a position that just pushes you over the edge. You've got to do what's good for you. A long life without sex is going to turn you bitter.
Forgiveness can come in many packages and yours came skin tight. The fact that you ';fall'; for another individual does not constitute to infidelity, that is where real character, wisdom and maturity kicks in and it is obvious you have not reached that point yet in your life.
Instead of ';relating'; to your ex and finding an excuse in her behavior for your present unfaithful thinking, you should find it in your heart to act the way a true man would act, the way you would have chosen her to act instead of falling to the pit of adultery..
If you do not love your wife, divorce her and avoid hurting her like your ex did to you. Then you can re-consider this fling you now have which most likely fade away once is not the forbidden any longer.
Now here I am 7 years later with an incredible wife and a loving home and what do I do? Fall for another woman. Don鈥檛 get me wrong there has been no inappropriate activity or any kind of situation that would constitute an affair; however there are definitely strong feelings on both parts I think. This girl is smart, funny, and beautiful; I mean she is drop dead gorgeous. I have not perused her nor will I.
This is my situation, after years of disdain for my ex-wife and preaching about how wrong it is to cheat. I have been humbled in the respect that for the first time in my life I understand why some people get tempted. I mean this person in my life is the only individual that has ever made me question my principals and I believe this situation was dealt to me to help me understand and perhaps even forgive.
Can anyone else relate?Can anyone else relate?
Yes, there are many spices out there and only a few get into ones taste buds, but if you are committed to one spice and enjoy it, then that is all you would need, temptations are put out there for effect, and fantasy, leave it were it belongs and preserve the spice you have. To love one is a blessing to love another as well is a torture against your being, choose what you want most. and commit to that be it your wife, your fantasy girl, your honor, your pride, self worth.
Good luck its not easy but its all part of this great adventureCan anyone else relate?
I can relate in the sense that, whenever I answer questions here, I try to remember the saying, ';There but for the grace of God go I.'; In general, people are not truly evil - they're trying to do their best but sometimes failing. What's important is to try your best to be a good person, and to do the right thing, no matter what temptations life might present you.
Yes lots of guys can relate. It's easy for others on here to say a cheat is the scum of the earth but they've most likely never been put in a position where they entertained the idea. My ex decided after our second child was one year old that we wouldn't have more so we didn't need to have sex. She did relent very little. After years of begging and pleading I just couldn't take it anymore and left. Did I stray? Yes! I don't condone cheating either. Sometimes though you can be put in a position that just pushes you over the edge. You've got to do what's good for you. A long life without sex is going to turn you bitter.
Forgiveness can come in many packages and yours came skin tight. The fact that you ';fall'; for another individual does not constitute to infidelity, that is where real character, wisdom and maturity kicks in and it is obvious you have not reached that point yet in your life.
Instead of ';relating'; to your ex and finding an excuse in her behavior for your present unfaithful thinking, you should find it in your heart to act the way a true man would act, the way you would have chosen her to act instead of falling to the pit of adultery..
If you do not love your wife, divorce her and avoid hurting her like your ex did to you. Then you can re-consider this fling you now have which most likely fade away once is not the forbidden any longer.
Is this ok when wife goes out with old college friends?
seems right now she wants to go out with her old friends ,found on face-book from college, ok guys and girls, just dont trust some of them feel jealous right now ,wife wants to keep them from me ,right now , i wonder how other spouse's feel?
is that ok, my wife is a good girl not worried ,if she was to cheat but always vigilant,why do i feel this way and yes i have asked to go out with her but have been told no, i think because i am a social person who can be life of party she is afraid i'll take over.
just doesn't sit well and has anyone else dealt with this ?Is this ok when wife goes out with old college friends?
I think it's fine if a wife goes out with old friends. My wife does some regular catching up with a couple old friends, and every now and then she meets a new friend. Sometimes she'll buy a sexy new outfit before going out, but the best part is that she's always quite amorous when she gets home from her night out, even if she gets home at 3 in the morning.Is this ok when wife goes out with old college friends?
anytime you are ';told'; no about accompanying your spouse in such situations that is not acceptable. you say she is a ';good girl'; but you apparently have doubts about her intentions.
you need to go with her so they know you and you know them. it doesnt have to be every time but i firmly believe there should be no secrets. what is her issue with you meeting them? you say its because you'll be the life of the party but is that what she thinks? ask her.
if you are satisfied after meeting them and feel secure with it then let her go out.
i think it would be ok for her to go out with her female friends a couple of times solo and then bring you in (ya know girl stuff). but male friends, you defiantly need to be involved from day one. never know could be exs and they may have feeling for her still.... but you need to be involved. remind her when she would get pissed when you hung out with your guy friends and not with her.
Of course it is not right, she knows it and you know it. Let her decide them or you then walk out the door if she picks them over you. You don't want to waste your time on such a woman.
You %26amp; your wife shouldn't do EVERYTHING together. You both need time with your own separate friends. I wouldn't worry about it. Let her have fun and stop smothering her!!
why not, the important in marriage to stay smooth and long time bonding is the TRUST to one another.let her go for a change you know
If you trust your wife, then let her catch up with old friends. besides they are probally married and have kids. Everyone is entitled to have friends who are the opposite sex. So dont worry so much
You should be included. You are married. That is kinda the deal you both signed up for.
Don't worry, they are all grown up now, I'm sure some of the others are married as well, let her have a good time.
let her live her own life
It actually kind of depends. On the one hand, you must both have separate things to do, people to know, places to go, but on the other hand you are married and that means you are sharing your lives with each other.
So all I can tell you is you must communicate. Ask her why she feels such a need to keep this part of her life to herself. BE CALM. Be gentle. You have a right to know, but you'll push her away if you scream and cry and panic.
Be open, tell her you feel insecure, and just want reassurance. Tell her you love her and you're feeling concerned, but if the answer is more simple than you think, believe her until given a good reason not to, as marriage is based on trust, and you must trust to gain hers.
Okay, let me try to help you with a serious answer.
I too met a lot of old friends on facebook and elsewhere, some of them were old flames to boot. I did go out with them, re-lived some fantasies,but it affected my married life with my wife not really trusting me. While all I was up to was innocent flirting, this wasn't how my wife saw it. Things came to such a pass that we seriously considered separating. Then we sat and spoke it out - she told me what she felt offended by, and I told her what I was really up to.
She came to accept my need for friendship, and I accepted her need to feel secure. Our relationship is back to its old magic and now we both laugh off our insensitiveness.
Please talk it out and come to a mutually accepted solution. No relationship is worth breaking just because of fears, doubts and misgivings.
If she is telling you NO then that means no. If you suspect in anyway at all she is cheating (tho you said she isnt that kinda gal), then ask her flat out if she is.
Otherwise backoff and allow her some space away from you. One thing I think women get annoyed with is a husband who expects to be the center of her social delights. If your wife is a good woman (as u said she is) and is just thrilled to find a part of her life again...then I say back off and give her some space or else you risk making her feel untrusted, or worse, like you are smothering her. No grown woman enjoys being treated like another one of the kids.
If there are guys included, then YOU should be included. She is no longer a single person and shouldn't expect you to willingly be excluded. This one I would not budge on. I would NEVER have excluded my husband from such an occasion. This is just downright wrong.
Girls only, you don't necessarily have to be included more than occasionally. You could meet them, have a drink and then leave because you have something else to do. They certainly shouldn't be surprised that you would like to meet them.
I'll bet money that her friends would wonder what was going on between you and your wife if you were excluded from all social occasions. They'd probably think things were not so good between you. There are guys who certainly would think there was a possibility she was available.
Perhaps she would prefer that you not hear about any antics while she was in college.hair treatment skin lesions
is that ok, my wife is a good girl not worried ,if she was to cheat but always vigilant,why do i feel this way and yes i have asked to go out with her but have been told no, i think because i am a social person who can be life of party she is afraid i'll take over.
just doesn't sit well and has anyone else dealt with this ?Is this ok when wife goes out with old college friends?
I think it's fine if a wife goes out with old friends. My wife does some regular catching up with a couple old friends, and every now and then she meets a new friend. Sometimes she'll buy a sexy new outfit before going out, but the best part is that she's always quite amorous when she gets home from her night out, even if she gets home at 3 in the morning.Is this ok when wife goes out with old college friends?
anytime you are ';told'; no about accompanying your spouse in such situations that is not acceptable. you say she is a ';good girl'; but you apparently have doubts about her intentions.
you need to go with her so they know you and you know them. it doesnt have to be every time but i firmly believe there should be no secrets. what is her issue with you meeting them? you say its because you'll be the life of the party but is that what she thinks? ask her.
if you are satisfied after meeting them and feel secure with it then let her go out.
i think it would be ok for her to go out with her female friends a couple of times solo and then bring you in (ya know girl stuff). but male friends, you defiantly need to be involved from day one. never know could be exs and they may have feeling for her still.... but you need to be involved. remind her when she would get pissed when you hung out with your guy friends and not with her.
Of course it is not right, she knows it and you know it. Let her decide them or you then walk out the door if she picks them over you. You don't want to waste your time on such a woman.
You %26amp; your wife shouldn't do EVERYTHING together. You both need time with your own separate friends. I wouldn't worry about it. Let her have fun and stop smothering her!!
why not, the important in marriage to stay smooth and long time bonding is the TRUST to one another.let her go for a change you know
If you trust your wife, then let her catch up with old friends. besides they are probally married and have kids. Everyone is entitled to have friends who are the opposite sex. So dont worry so much
You should be included. You are married. That is kinda the deal you both signed up for.
Don't worry, they are all grown up now, I'm sure some of the others are married as well, let her have a good time.
let her live her own life
It actually kind of depends. On the one hand, you must both have separate things to do, people to know, places to go, but on the other hand you are married and that means you are sharing your lives with each other.
So all I can tell you is you must communicate. Ask her why she feels such a need to keep this part of her life to herself. BE CALM. Be gentle. You have a right to know, but you'll push her away if you scream and cry and panic.
Be open, tell her you feel insecure, and just want reassurance. Tell her you love her and you're feeling concerned, but if the answer is more simple than you think, believe her until given a good reason not to, as marriage is based on trust, and you must trust to gain hers.
Okay, let me try to help you with a serious answer.
I too met a lot of old friends on facebook and elsewhere, some of them were old flames to boot. I did go out with them, re-lived some fantasies,but it affected my married life with my wife not really trusting me. While all I was up to was innocent flirting, this wasn't how my wife saw it. Things came to such a pass that we seriously considered separating. Then we sat and spoke it out - she told me what she felt offended by, and I told her what I was really up to.
She came to accept my need for friendship, and I accepted her need to feel secure. Our relationship is back to its old magic and now we both laugh off our insensitiveness.
Please talk it out and come to a mutually accepted solution. No relationship is worth breaking just because of fears, doubts and misgivings.
If she is telling you NO then that means no. If you suspect in anyway at all she is cheating (tho you said she isnt that kinda gal), then ask her flat out if she is.
Otherwise backoff and allow her some space away from you. One thing I think women get annoyed with is a husband who expects to be the center of her social delights. If your wife is a good woman (as u said she is) and is just thrilled to find a part of her life again...then I say back off and give her some space or else you risk making her feel untrusted, or worse, like you are smothering her. No grown woman enjoys being treated like another one of the kids.
If there are guys included, then YOU should be included. She is no longer a single person and shouldn't expect you to willingly be excluded. This one I would not budge on. I would NEVER have excluded my husband from such an occasion. This is just downright wrong.
Girls only, you don't necessarily have to be included more than occasionally. You could meet them, have a drink and then leave because you have something else to do. They certainly shouldn't be surprised that you would like to meet them.
I'll bet money that her friends would wonder what was going on between you and your wife if you were excluded from all social occasions. They'd probably think things were not so good between you. There are guys who certainly would think there was a possibility she was available.
Perhaps she would prefer that you not hear about any antics while she was in college.
Did I mess up everthing?
Did I mess up everything?
Hers' the deal. I am absolutly in love with this guy. We got involved together with our spouses at the same time. A 4some thing. None of us had ever done that before. Me and this guy feel in love and are still very much in love. My husband and I divorced and this other couple are just seperated. This guy has been trying to do the right thing for businesses and kids, we all have 2 kids. When the divorces started and even before then, this guy told me that my heart was safe in his hands and that he would never let me go. I let down every wall and every defense I had for this guy and trusted him completely. As the divorce started, this guy was loosing it because of how hard and painful this process was and pretty much shut me out of his life. He told me we had to do our own thing for a while but did not want me to see anyone else. This has been going on for 9 months now and he is still just seperated. He says that once they get the refinancing done on their businesses they are signing papers. He has kept me a secret so his wife will stay peaceful.
Anyways, I still trust this guy that what he says is true but this has been very difficult on me. I cant be a part of his life nore is he planning anything with me. I feel very vulnerable to a of of things right now and he has hurt me so many times throughout this last 9 months. He would take off for weeks at a time to go see his kids but his wife was there and would not talk to me the whole time. He said he felt guilty when he was with me sometimes because of the kids, and he would leave and go see his friends for a month or so.
I have tried to remain calm and try to support him but throughout this process I had kissed a couple guys and then I ended up going home with another guy. I dont know why I did, I think it was because I am very insecure about a lot of things right now. I told this guy about all of it and now he says he can t trust me, I cheated on him and he's done with me. I left a lot for this guy and I do feel as if I cheated on him. I feel horrible about it. But he thinks that he has been right throughout this whole thing. He know he hurt me but he said he was trying to do the right thing.
I guess my question is. Is did I mess it all up between me and this guy? Do you think he did? Is there any hope for us?Did I mess up everthing?
whether it was messed or not it wasn't your fault. That's an A-grade tricky *** situation you were both in. Like a 9.9 degree of difficulty. one slip and it goes to ****.
He slipped up first, not managing the divorce and you properly.
You slipped up going home with another guy.
Not because you were unfaithful, since you didn't owe him any faith yet anyway.
But just because its obvious you still liked the other guy enough that his reaction has hurt you. You slipped up on your own feelings , not his trust. You didn't owe him any trust anyway.
is there any hope? of course there is. no gaurantees but there is always hope. Its still tricky, but not as bad as it was before at least. That's a fact.
Give him some timeDid I mess up everthing?
Yep.
Nope.
Nope.
That was his excuse to break it off with you. He never really planned on leaving his wife for you. He just wanted to be able to have sex with you behind her back, so she wouldn't mess around either.
For now on, stick to one person, who is single and don't do the swinging crap anymore. NOTHING good ever comes from it.
Seriously? Would you really define something where you have been a 'secret', a relationship?? This whole thing is a sham, this guy is able to have his cake and eat it too. Not only that, he's convinced you that you are in a relationship and don't have the right to date others. You have to take some of that blame too.
Take a step back and look at the situation. You didn't mess up, the whole thing was messed up to begin with (do you think he wouldn't do the same thing to you that he did to his 'wife'). Is there any hope for you... NO WAY!
karma.
First off there is always hope, second if you are a piece of meat he has on the side waiting for him to get things strait, he has no room to complain. He should of been taking care of you, and that is his fault. As for what you did, that will have to be worked out with him, and there is not telling how a person will react in these cases. Talk it out with him and tell him the truth, but remember that he is still with his wife and that should make u ? his intentions.
Hers' the deal. I am absolutly in love with this guy. We got involved together with our spouses at the same time. A 4some thing. None of us had ever done that before. Me and this guy feel in love and are still very much in love. My husband and I divorced and this other couple are just seperated. This guy has been trying to do the right thing for businesses and kids, we all have 2 kids. When the divorces started and even before then, this guy told me that my heart was safe in his hands and that he would never let me go. I let down every wall and every defense I had for this guy and trusted him completely. As the divorce started, this guy was loosing it because of how hard and painful this process was and pretty much shut me out of his life. He told me we had to do our own thing for a while but did not want me to see anyone else. This has been going on for 9 months now and he is still just seperated. He says that once they get the refinancing done on their businesses they are signing papers. He has kept me a secret so his wife will stay peaceful.
Anyways, I still trust this guy that what he says is true but this has been very difficult on me. I cant be a part of his life nore is he planning anything with me. I feel very vulnerable to a of of things right now and he has hurt me so many times throughout this last 9 months. He would take off for weeks at a time to go see his kids but his wife was there and would not talk to me the whole time. He said he felt guilty when he was with me sometimes because of the kids, and he would leave and go see his friends for a month or so.
I have tried to remain calm and try to support him but throughout this process I had kissed a couple guys and then I ended up going home with another guy. I dont know why I did, I think it was because I am very insecure about a lot of things right now. I told this guy about all of it and now he says he can t trust me, I cheated on him and he's done with me. I left a lot for this guy and I do feel as if I cheated on him. I feel horrible about it. But he thinks that he has been right throughout this whole thing. He know he hurt me but he said he was trying to do the right thing.
I guess my question is. Is did I mess it all up between me and this guy? Do you think he did? Is there any hope for us?Did I mess up everthing?
whether it was messed or not it wasn't your fault. That's an A-grade tricky *** situation you were both in. Like a 9.9 degree of difficulty. one slip and it goes to ****.
He slipped up first, not managing the divorce and you properly.
You slipped up going home with another guy.
Not because you were unfaithful, since you didn't owe him any faith yet anyway.
But just because its obvious you still liked the other guy enough that his reaction has hurt you. You slipped up on your own feelings , not his trust. You didn't owe him any trust anyway.
is there any hope? of course there is. no gaurantees but there is always hope. Its still tricky, but not as bad as it was before at least. That's a fact.
Give him some timeDid I mess up everthing?
Yep.
Nope.
Nope.
That was his excuse to break it off with you. He never really planned on leaving his wife for you. He just wanted to be able to have sex with you behind her back, so she wouldn't mess around either.
For now on, stick to one person, who is single and don't do the swinging crap anymore. NOTHING good ever comes from it.
Seriously? Would you really define something where you have been a 'secret', a relationship?? This whole thing is a sham, this guy is able to have his cake and eat it too. Not only that, he's convinced you that you are in a relationship and don't have the right to date others. You have to take some of that blame too.
Take a step back and look at the situation. You didn't mess up, the whole thing was messed up to begin with (do you think he wouldn't do the same thing to you that he did to his 'wife'). Is there any hope for you... NO WAY!
karma.
First off there is always hope, second if you are a piece of meat he has on the side waiting for him to get things strait, he has no room to complain. He should of been taking care of you, and that is his fault. As for what you did, that will have to be worked out with him, and there is not telling how a person will react in these cases. Talk it out with him and tell him the truth, but remember that he is still with his wife and that should make u ? his intentions.
Did I mess up everything?
Hers' the deal. I am absolutly in love with this guy. We got involved together with our spouses at the same time. A 4some thing. None of us had ever done that before. Me and this guy feel in love and are still very much in love. My husband and I divorced and this other couple are just seperated. This guy has been trying to do the right thing for businesses and kids, we all have 2 kids. When the divorces started and even before then, this guy told me that my heart was safe in his hands and that he would never let me go. I let down every wall and every defense I had for this guy and trusted him completely. As the divorce started, this guy was loosing it because of how hard and painful this process was and pretty much shut me out of his life. He told me we had to do our own thing for a while but did not want me to see anyone else. This has been going on for 9 months now and he is still just seperated. He says that once they get the refinancing done on their businesses they are signing papers. He has kept me a secret so his wife will stay peaceful.
Anyways, I still trust this guy that what he says is true but this has been very difficult on me. I cant be a part of his life nore is he planning anything with me. I feel very vulnerable to a of of things right now and he has hurt me so many times throughout this last 9 months. He would take off for weeks at a time to go see his kids but his wife was there and would not talk to me the whole time. He said he felt guilty when he was with me sometimes because of the kids, and he would leave and go see his friends for a month or so.
I have tried to remain calm and try to support him but throughout this process I had kissed a couple guys and then I ended up going home with another guy. I dont know why I did, I think it was because I am very insecure about a lot of things right now. I told this guy about all of it and now he says he can t trust me, I cheated on him and he's done with me. I left a lot for this guy and I do feel as if I cheated on him. I feel horrible about it. But he thinks that he has been right throughout this whole thing. He know he hurt me but he said he was trying to do the right thing.
I guess my question is. Is did I mess it all up between me and this guy? Do you think he did? Is there any hope for us?Did I mess up everything?
this question should be in the single and dating category sectionDid I mess up everything?
yes and no
Anyways, I still trust this guy that what he says is true but this has been very difficult on me. I cant be a part of his life nore is he planning anything with me. I feel very vulnerable to a of of things right now and he has hurt me so many times throughout this last 9 months. He would take off for weeks at a time to go see his kids but his wife was there and would not talk to me the whole time. He said he felt guilty when he was with me sometimes because of the kids, and he would leave and go see his friends for a month or so.
I have tried to remain calm and try to support him but throughout this process I had kissed a couple guys and then I ended up going home with another guy. I dont know why I did, I think it was because I am very insecure about a lot of things right now. I told this guy about all of it and now he says he can t trust me, I cheated on him and he's done with me. I left a lot for this guy and I do feel as if I cheated on him. I feel horrible about it. But he thinks that he has been right throughout this whole thing. He know he hurt me but he said he was trying to do the right thing.
I guess my question is. Is did I mess it all up between me and this guy? Do you think he did? Is there any hope for us?Did I mess up everything?
this question should be in the single and dating category sectionDid I mess up everything?
yes and no
Should I break it off?
My fiance and I have been together a little over 5 years we just found out we were expecting in Jan. about 6 months after we got engaged which we weren't planning on having children anytime soon(I was on birth control) but things happen, so we've accepted it and have become excited after the inital shock and fear. We have had some problems, such as he cheated on me early on and he had a minor drug problem (marijuana) and a few other little bumps. But I've pretty much let those problems go and can work through those kind of problems. I guess my main problem is the relationship with him and his family. And I understand everybody is raised differently, and maybe there relationship is normal, and that the family relationship I've been raised around is abnormal. But that's why I'm here, to get everyone elses opinion. On if their relationship is normal, if not is this something I should break it off over, or if you have opinions on how to handle the situation. I was always raised that family is important, but as you become an adult priorities shift a little, then when you find your partner and start a family priorities shift even more. And that you do as I guess the bible says leave your mother and father cling to your wife. And I don't mean you don't see them anymore but you share your life and make decsions with your spouse and take care of your ';new'; family together. BUT his family (mainly his stepmother) seem to try and control his life and mine. Now we are both adults and when they try to tell me what I need to be doing, I try to thank them for their opinion but I've made my decsion or something of that sort. But say he has a doctor's appointment she has to with him like he's still a child. He has to go to court today, and I asked him do you want me to go with you for support? (I had the day off anyways) No he says I don't want anybody to go, I'm an adult I can go on my own. Then I call him while he's on his way, to wish him luck and asked him to call me when he gets out to let me know how things go. And he tells me he's in the car with his stepmom that she was taking him, because she wanted to be there for him. And if she throws her opinion in on something, or calls and says she want's to come over and help with the nursery or wants to take me to a doctors appointment, and I say no for some reason, since we live together she'll call him, and get him to say yes and next thing I know she's at the house. And I understand people get excited when a baby's coming into the picture, and I her help sometimes, but sometimes I'd just like to do things on my own. I've tried talking to him and explaining I think this is problem and can't deal with it but it doesn't seem to help. Am I wrong and what should I do?Should I break it off?
it does seem like his step mother really drives his life...
sometimes those family bonds are hard for some people to break as adults, and unfortunetly they develop sort of a co-depency (where they are still attached to family when they really should be focusing on how to make a life of their own)
i would sit him down one day and talk to him about how you feel. i would tell him that you feel uncomfortable with his step mother having a hand in everything that he does in life. (only admit what you are truly feeling, do not allow anger to control your emotions)
if he says that he is not willing to change, i would let him know that it's really pulling you away from him and that you feel like you would have trouble making things work if his 'ways' continue.Should I break it off?
I would say to you is nobody is listening I would break it off until he does listen because this women is very bossy and is very controlling and is not growing up and this women needs to know her place you have no personal life
Remember 1Corinthians 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
It takes a strong woman to put up with men like us. I thank god every day for my wife. He does too I bet.
God bless, and congrats.
In my opinion, you are plently old enough to make your own decisions. If you've been engaged for 5 years, then you have to be at least in your twenties. If you're having a child with this man, then letting his family get in the way is definitely NOT worth it! Tell him to man up and that you and your baby need him right now - not his step mother.
it does seem like his step mother really drives his life...
sometimes those family bonds are hard for some people to break as adults, and unfortunetly they develop sort of a co-depency (where they are still attached to family when they really should be focusing on how to make a life of their own)
i would sit him down one day and talk to him about how you feel. i would tell him that you feel uncomfortable with his step mother having a hand in everything that he does in life. (only admit what you are truly feeling, do not allow anger to control your emotions)
if he says that he is not willing to change, i would let him know that it's really pulling you away from him and that you feel like you would have trouble making things work if his 'ways' continue.Should I break it off?
I would say to you is nobody is listening I would break it off until he does listen because this women is very bossy and is very controlling and is not growing up and this women needs to know her place you have no personal life
Remember 1Corinthians 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
It takes a strong woman to put up with men like us. I thank god every day for my wife. He does too I bet.
God bless, and congrats.
In my opinion, you are plently old enough to make your own decisions. If you've been engaged for 5 years, then you have to be at least in your twenties. If you're having a child with this man, then letting his family get in the way is definitely NOT worth it! Tell him to man up and that you and your baby need him right now - not his step mother.
Would you confront the ';other'; woman? ?
In more detail, the other woman as previously posted was at the divorce class, sat across from me, crying-wiping tears and sharing how her husband had cheated on her, and now they were 7weeks going through a divorce- he filed and they have no children. As I had said my husband and I were at the meeting and I shared what brought us to this point. Our divorce issue was because my husband hates my oldest son-period of whom he has been his Dad for 16yrs., my son has problems, and I refused to abandon him, turn my back on him (he is 22). No other reason honestly. My husband asked me to choose b/n my son or him. (My son does not live with us) I did not return to those mtgs, my husband said I humiliated myself?, within 2weeks the crying woman and my husband ';hooked up'; He sent her roses at work, the card said ';Thanks so much for being my friend, can't wait to see you again'; and a week later met at a budget chain hotel.Notice how neither one took each other back to their own homes? When I found out all of this I was upset, because I loved my husband very much, was forced to choose one of my children or my marriage.
I called the crying woman at her job, introduced myself as the wife(at that point I did not know she was the woman who sat across from me or that she had slept with my husband- he confessed later) I did upset her by calling, she confessed she had to take a xanax and couldn't take care of her next client. Guilt? I shook her up? She knew then she was wrong for what she did? When I asked her how she met my husband, she downplayed everything condescendingly, including not knowing he still lived with me, I told her he still sleeps in my bed! and then she came up with a story they knew each other previously from the past. That she never passed judgement on me, and was open minded about me? WTH? Then out of no where said she had alot of problems of her own? After we hung up I was in shock, she immediately called my husband, who then called me. Before I knew it she had called me back, spouting how she told my husband he had too much ';drama';, that she had met a ';wonderful man'; she had been seeing for a few weeks, and basically good luck. My husband in a nutshell told me not bother her again, that I have embarrassed him enough.?
It has been 8months since that call, my husband and I are in counseling, he hasn't spoken to her, we have managed to work thru alot- I confronted him and his behavior- he tried to blame me, by saying he wasn't looking, but that I gave her to him.? Understanding what that whole trist was about-THEM.Insecure, desperate, needy and pathetic. Their only commonality was emotional baggage, spouse bashing for sympathy- in my case it was my son. A sick rebound at best. Self Deception: The truth that survives, is simply the lie that is the pleasantest to believe. She was a repository for my husband's hurt over our marriage. I asked him if he had feelings for her, he said ';No, just the opposite.';?
My dilemma: I am still so angry at the nerve of this woman crossing the line into my life, my marriage, my family when she had enough of her own problems to deal with. She knew what she was doing (and so did he).They both knew they were still married, but pretending to be divorced. I really want this woman to know face to face or by thank you card, I know who she was, and why did she think it was her right to step into someone elses life, where she did pass judgement-void of all the real truths (none of her business to begin with) to sleep with my husband? She passed judgement when she opened her legs! The bottom line is I want to confront her, call her out on what she really participated in. Right now she's hiding behind in her own mind, that she is unknown. I wonder what her family or now ex-husband would think about her low down scandelous behavior?
It's all fun %26amp; games until someone really gets caught. What about where it all transpired? At a church organized divorce group.Would you confront the ';other'; woman? ?
I didnt and never would waste my breath on the other woman. I let her have him. Too much drama,, you need to set yourself free of it or it will tear you apart. In other words let it go, she is doomed no matter what you say or do to her.Would you confront the ';other'; woman? ?
Going to church doesn't make people religious.
I called the crying woman at her job, introduced myself as the wife(at that point I did not know she was the woman who sat across from me or that she had slept with my husband- he confessed later) I did upset her by calling, she confessed she had to take a xanax and couldn't take care of her next client. Guilt? I shook her up? She knew then she was wrong for what she did? When I asked her how she met my husband, she downplayed everything condescendingly, including not knowing he still lived with me, I told her he still sleeps in my bed! and then she came up with a story they knew each other previously from the past. That she never passed judgement on me, and was open minded about me? WTH? Then out of no where said she had alot of problems of her own? After we hung up I was in shock, she immediately called my husband, who then called me. Before I knew it she had called me back, spouting how she told my husband he had too much ';drama';, that she had met a ';wonderful man'; she had been seeing for a few weeks, and basically good luck. My husband in a nutshell told me not bother her again, that I have embarrassed him enough.?
It has been 8months since that call, my husband and I are in counseling, he hasn't spoken to her, we have managed to work thru alot- I confronted him and his behavior- he tried to blame me, by saying he wasn't looking, but that I gave her to him.? Understanding what that whole trist was about-THEM.Insecure, desperate, needy and pathetic. Their only commonality was emotional baggage, spouse bashing for sympathy- in my case it was my son. A sick rebound at best. Self Deception: The truth that survives, is simply the lie that is the pleasantest to believe. She was a repository for my husband's hurt over our marriage. I asked him if he had feelings for her, he said ';No, just the opposite.';?
My dilemma: I am still so angry at the nerve of this woman crossing the line into my life, my marriage, my family when she had enough of her own problems to deal with. She knew what she was doing (and so did he).They both knew they were still married, but pretending to be divorced. I really want this woman to know face to face or by thank you card, I know who she was, and why did she think it was her right to step into someone elses life, where she did pass judgement-void of all the real truths (none of her business to begin with) to sleep with my husband? She passed judgement when she opened her legs! The bottom line is I want to confront her, call her out on what she really participated in. Right now she's hiding behind in her own mind, that she is unknown. I wonder what her family or now ex-husband would think about her low down scandelous behavior?
It's all fun %26amp; games until someone really gets caught. What about where it all transpired? At a church organized divorce group.Would you confront the ';other'; woman? ?
I didnt and never would waste my breath on the other woman. I let her have him. Too much drama,, you need to set yourself free of it or it will tear you apart. In other words let it go, she is doomed no matter what you say or do to her.Would you confront the ';other'; woman? ?
Going to church doesn't make people religious.
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